In a dark place….

When I started writing this blog as many years ago… it was a time when I was much happier. I am like a swimmer in the ocean caught in the rip tides these days often pulled helpless under the curling waters unable to catch a breath. I am in the wall of an ant trap unable to escape what lay below or the freedom which seemingly exists above.
I grew up so certain of some things and at my current age I have not seen any of those things come true. Everything I thought was written in my minds has so far been a delusion; neither positive or negative these ideas have been the exact opposite of what I dreamed.
In these times I am floundering in those tides of a rough sea in a place both mentally and physically that are killing me like a psychological cancer; my sanity in question and the random disappointments like those killer tides.

  • I was supposed to be dead by the time I was 32: failed that one as I am staring 51 in the face.
  • I was supposed to be wealthy and having traveled the world before that death… well I guess I got that half right. Being perpetually poor and unable to hold on to a buck. Being constantly in debt and unable to escape taxes, credit cards, student loans debt debt debt really plays on a person’s soul and mind.

No that I am the healthiest of minds to begin with. Not that the way I was raised was any solace to feeling like a healthy human being. I feel like I am dying on the inside and I have no one to find a handle with.
This has nothing to do with my boyfriend, because I love him more than anything right now. I would not want to lose him, but I might need to break away for enough time that I can feel like I have a grip on myself and my responsibilities.

Me Myself and I – wait, did this one

So, the last few days has been a course of reflection and you might have noted in my last 2 posts I talked a lot about potentially moving to Portland very soon. It has also been a good time to try and figure out HOW to move forward in WHAT mindset I should be in. Frankly, this time in San Francisco has been … at best … difficult.
The best part of living here has been CMonster. Making friends here has been very tough. And, trying to be a part of the community here has been just as tough; whether we are talking about the Burners or the Radical Faeries. I have never been in a place where it was so hard to crack the nut. While it might not be them so much as myself; I have to figure that out on my own.

I saw this post today on Facebook by “Coop“: “Want an example of how beliefs create your reality and drive your behavior? I just got off the phone with an international client who runs a non-profit, a consulting firm and works for a global relief organization. (Yes, she has 3 big jobs!) Needless to say, she’s near burnout and couldn’t understand why she committed to all of these high-profile responsibilities. For 3 weeks, we focused on the core issues and today, we finally identified the core belief driving her need to over-commit: She wasn’t loveable. Because of that, she didn’t love herself. Because of that, she didn’t like herself and she was being a martyr – basically burning herself out by pouring all of her effort into work while ignoring her health, key relationships and taking on more than is humanly possible. She felt isolated and alone, even when surrounded by people who loved and respected her. When we cleared the belief that she was not loveable, she felt a huge relief – and created a plan to shift her situation. I’m so fortunate to be able to do this work with amazingly brilliant and talented peopleCoop (Micheal Cooper) does a lot of consulting for professionals.

That is not all. The article came out last week and was linked on Facebook by another of my amazing people in my life and it struck me.
Here is a Link to the Original Article: 10 Things That The People Who Love Their Lives Are Doing Differently
Surprise, surprise… happy people live their lives differently. They don’t have different lives. They just do a better job at living them than those who are unhappy.

They don’t bother trying to make others like them — mainly because they don’t care if they’re liked.

I don’t really know how much this applies to me. While I have tried to demonstrate to some people that I am committed to a specific cause or community that we have in common I wanted your respect more than your friendship. Don’t like me… I don’t care. Say I am a bad guy for any reason, you’re wrong. Maybe you’re right. But I do my best and if it is not good enough for you then – seeya.

They do things because they want to do them, not because they believe they have to do them.

For me this is a 50/50 issue as the work I do with Queer Burners feels like an obligations some times mostly because no one else steps up to lead and try and get people together in a community. It’s been moreso here in San Francisco where it is a bitch to get burners together. I have been beating a dead horse here.

They love their friends but don’t rely on them.

Yep. Don’t learn this the hard way. Your expectations will be the death of you.

When you ask them what they do, they don’t give you a job title.

Yep. I think I got this one too. If I have to put a label on myself I chose Renaissance Man… works.

When you ask them where they live, they say, “At the moment…”

Sorta… I think I might have this one but when I think about it, it is hard to step outside myself and see. I certainly do not think about things like other people and when you ask me about making soft plans for next week… I will often tell you ‘let’s cross that bridge when we get to it’ while when it come times to make plans to move that is planning. So, yeah.

They have their own philosophies, their own religion they created and live by.

Yep. Got this one too. My choices are those that people just don’t get and are quick to judge. Walk a mile in my moccasins. Or don’t; see item 1.

They embrace their impermanence.


They see the world as their playhouse and their mind as the conductor.

You were saying…?

They live in the moment, but dream in the future.

#fail… sorta. I have to say I have spent too much time anchored to the past and often my head in the clouds. The best thing I could do for myself is to find my passion and drive. Then implement it. Right now I am feeling very broken and heavy. Fixing that has to happen first maybe.

They don’t bother changing others, but instead learn how to deal with them appropriately.

Yep. Never thought of trying to change others. However, if I can get CMonster to make some changes I think we would be more successful. But maybe that is exactly what is wrong with us?
So, those are the items some article says that people who love their lives. Just reading through these it feels like television is telling us all these things in reverse. Is that weird? Is that a weird realization now as I sat here seeing how my own life applied to those bullet points?
So, I do ask myself what I am doing wrong in my life to be where I am. Not that I am not counting the blessings I have. Not that I am trying to she the regrets based on a lot of bad decisions in life; chuck those out and move on. Not that I remain ever optimistic for the future. All I can do is work on freeing myself from any remaining baggage and move forward.

Portland in November

Time to stop kidding myself and stop coasting on nothing. I have been hiding out at CMonster’s place for a while and want to move on. The plan tech_portland24__01__630x420right now is focusing on Portland. I want to move to Portland, OR and find a home. From there I will get a job as quickly as I can and just start living again.
My life has been in this weird holding pattern for 3 years. In the last three years here in San Francisco, I have aged 10 years. I feel older, been sick a lot, physically hurt a lot, allergies gone mad, sanity slowly fading. It’s been a fucking bitch living here.
I do have to say that for few blessings my time here has been like a trip through purgatory. I met my bf whom I love and adore, it’s been 3 years and we seem to be okay together. We compliment each other but we still have this weird relationship that still seems to work.
Anyway, I am working out the details and will see how I can make it all happen.

Full Moon Tonight: New Start?

rp_1538951_10152205688016197_559003127_n-310x150.jpgI made no secret about the self improvement things I have been working on since the beginning of the year. Books, practices and more. I am not faced with putting that into action and actually making something out of my life. It is mother-fucking hard to figure out what is right.
Seems like I feel a lot of resistance in any direction I go in, but I am not unawares that success does come with a price. Nothing, they say, is easy. But a lot of it may have something to so with the way the brain works – connecting to the soul – connecting to the chain that links us all as beings on this planet.

I watched this video twice this week (well the whole movie) on Netflix and have some to a lot of realizations in my thinking that seem to be working against me. If you have seen some of my gripes, many of them are addressed right here in the presentation.

  • my uber-dysfunctional relationship with my father and how I see him as really fucking me up as a human being in my life and the mess I have been seeing myself as…
  • “if it weren’t for bad luck you would not have any luck at all” my mom said to me; not in a mean way but damn if it did not seem like it was true.

So what do I do with that and look forward? How do I resolved to live out whatever is left of my life in a way that is better and stronger and healthier? What is the catalyst to make that happen? part of it is to get over the fucked up shit Jack dealt me growing up and keep driving toward real goals.

  • find out WHAT I am sincerely grateful for
  • decide WHAT I want
  • focus on making those things part of my daily routine; outlook, vision
  • …and then?

I have to change a lot of things and many of them appear on the front of this web site. I have to let go and grab on to new things.

More than 10% possible

I never thought reading self-improvement books would be something I would do. But, if you read a lot of my past posts you can see where I have been dealing with a lot of issues.
I swear I was going to work on more positive things for myself… specifically focusing less on the negative. Seems when I am feeling cracked out or struggling with life’s issues coming here seems like a solution.
10% Happier from Dan HarrisI read “How to Make Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie. I was half way through the second read on it when I discovered “10% Happier” which so far has been a real mirror. It was written and read through Audible.Com by Dan Harris; an ABC News Anchor. Weird how so much of what he has to say has hit home with me. My world has been quite the roller coaster in recent years.
Don’t get me wrong, don;t get me too right either, but this seems to be a big year of transformation for me and this might be the best catalyst I have added to my tool belt so far. This site will take on new shape, too, soon.
Who is reading this stuff? Who is paying attention? I know I had followers a long while back but I dropped the ball on this site a while and I think a lot of people fell off. So I am curious who is around.

Just When

Just when I thought I could get away from drama in my life (yeah right), the path is changed. I thought in my previous post that I would be a3settling with C Monster in for the long run and last night we concluded that chapter. Poetically speaking – on Valentines Day.
Things are so raw right now and the reasoning behind it is not within grasp. I made some huge mistakes and in spite of trying to back pedal on them I cast the what I did and this is where I am left.
I really loved him and I loved more that he loved me back. But this love had so many very deep flaws in it. It seems to have been clear since the beginning of the year that this was becoming forced and desperate.

Bill Collectors

My mom called to say a bill collector looking for me called my biological sister looking for me??? I have not talked or communicated with her in decades.
Insane. I have walked away from some pretty awful family. That is my sister and my father.
Step dad Bob was a better dad than mine ever was. Ugh. See previous posts #father.
Anyhoo. Happy Monday!
Maybe it should also be noted I have no idea what this bill collector could be calling about. Sigh.

The road less traveled is I

I am a miserable human being on this planet these days mired down in what I think is everyone’s expectations of me. Not exactly making a great proclamation right now. I have almost never been that person… I tried not being anyway. I have walked to my own beat and I am one of

Everyone has told me I look very unhappy in this picture. Maybe I am just in denial?

Everyone has told me I look very unhappy in this picture. Maybe I am just in denial?

those people who has a whole theme song in my head when walking down the street.
Can’t say I was the kind of person to walk the path most taken, and with that I think I was happier. I have been really struggling here in San Francisco because since I have lived here I have tried to walk the line thinking it would take me somewhere. So far I cannot say this worked out all that well.

  • Mom: wants me steady and in a career and a happy life
  • C Monster: wants a normal relationship with monogamy

Where is this guy from about a year and a half previous? Lighter in weight and baggage?

Where is this guy from about a year and a half previous? Lighter in weight and baggage?

Can’t say coming here was a mistake. But somewhere I stopped living my life. The pluses and the minuses of that have not been obvious, but the signs were there!


For about a year I have been seeing all kinds of signs I was doing the wrong things. I was not living for me. I am absolutely adrift in a construct of reality outside of self. I do this in so many ways that the tracks are lost in overgrowth and trees way the fuck over there (imagine me pointing off into the black forest).
I want my parents (Sallie and Bob) be be able to be proud. I love them absolutely and want to be there for them even though I can’t.  They are elderly and struggling though they seem to get lucky once in a while.
I love C Monster and I am lucky to have someone who honestly and truly loves me back. But… there is still something missing. Not one of those huge things, but there is a switch inside me that is just not installed right.
Speaking of which, there is my biological father. I have virtually nothing inside me for him anymore. I had this fantasy that he and I would become father and son once again, but there are huge barriers:

  • his abuse for all those years growing up = 3 years of therapy +
  • his placement of my biological sister on a pedestal = more therapy

You know he spent much of my formative years telling me:

  • I was completely worthless and would never amount to anything = never tell a kid that
  • I was not worthy of his name = fuck you for that

So what do I do now?

It’s funny how the universe works sometimes and the messages that play in the brain… yes, as if someone somewhere something was sending a little reminder that this light could shine brighter once again:

  • quote: “Fortune favors the Bold
  • quote: “Mired down in pettiness instead of stepping your shit up.
    – Season 1 Ep. 7 “Orange is the new Black

A Song – This was stuck in my head two days ago at work

A Song – this was stuck in my head yesterday at work

no shortage of thought

Lately, I have had a lot of reasons to spend time thinking about the practical nature of my life rather than the spiritual and fluffy-fluffy shit. Reading my recent posts, someone might assume I am a complete nut-case.

My Spiritual Side

No matter what you think I have some core beliefs that are founded on personal experiences. I have, in this life, come across a lot of spiritual forces. I have faced and seen both: ultimate spiritual evil and 281213_4527665142509_920677221_nultimate spiritual good.
And I am not talking about any Jesusy bullshit religious crap. One can see the same things in human beings. But, in this case, I am talking about spiritual forces that may or may not have names.
As spiritual and touchy feely as a lot of people I know SAY they are I am discovering how many people really are talking out of their asses. Save your sage burning and incantations for the circus.
Why sounding so pissy on this issue? I am just tired of bullshit and people looking at me like I am nuts. I am also at the point where I realized my spiritual beliefs and other beliefs are not doing me any good at all.

My Default World Side

Well, the default world is the secular world. In the pure glimpse of the world around me I am disgusted with my life save one thing… C Monster. My bf and I are going on 2 years and he loves me in spite of me and I love him.


I lamented a while on how I failed my parents, dog-tom, and so many people I was close to in life. At what point does one start realizing that those failings are only as big as I make them out to be.
P1010006aToday may be Tom-Dog’s last day on earth and I lost him 2 years ago. Taking him to my mom’s to stay while I figured out of San Francisco is where I needed to be was the right thing to do. She lives in the country and is home a lot, and he is bonded to her and my step-dad.
All the medical expenses this year for Tom-Dog and my parents have been astounding, but I will start helping more as soon as I can.


I can tell you I see a handful of people as my friends. Why so many of them are so far away? Why is it easier to maintain friendships with people I see once or twice a year – if that? People right here are so far away, metaphorically speaking.
One thing C Monster and I talked about last night we seem to have in common is a sad thing: we have been tabbed in the back by a lot of people we brought into our lives as friends. Only people you love can hurt you so badly.
Same with relationships, as it were, considering we both have met or became familiar with ex’s.
Why is it so hard to have friends? I think there is something inside of myself that has grown that disavowed trust in others? Non-stop betrayal and a failure of meeting expectations is the answer; my expectations but I think mostly other people. We do not seem to accept people for their scabs and all, but like many people we lean on what we think people should be instead of honoring people for who they are.
I had a close friend though, which goes against the previously spoken theory, who I had to abandon in life because I did not like WHO he was and WHAT he did to others. Like others, I walked out on them because I believed in their life they were doing harm to others or me. Vampires are everywhere and if they are unhealthy then wtf; why are there so many of them????


Since this post started I received a call from my mom letting me know that Tom will survive the weekend and it appears he is doing better with stronger pain medication at the vet.
I also decided that all this guilt I feel about my family is not mine to carry. I can do my best to make things right with all of them but I have to make that happen when I can and hopefully soon.
In talking with C Monster I think we figured out this is a factor in our lives we have to  each grow from.  We have met some amazing people, but in some cases I am suspecting some sheep are really foxes. One person keeps smiling and offering friendship to us, but keeps bringing up sex with both of us; not good with that one.