It was a good day with some of my Burners at Captain Bill’s house. It’s always like a family gathering.

So, the pepto version of the site is gone and back to my favorite tones of green… it was a quick change I put in today while I really should have been doing some other things instead.
It’s not enough… never is… to be satisfied with the way things are. As much as I get easily trapped into routines, you think I might want to change my environment less. However, that is not the case.
Other things…
My satisfaction with life here in Vegas has been fading harder and harder every day. There are glimmers of hope and potential that keep popping up, but it is hard to have faith in anything or any one for that matter.
What I define as a friend seems to be so high on a pedestal that fulfilling that is unreal.
The guy I have considered my best friend has been unavailable for weeks and though he calls once in a while, there is still little time for me. He has his own life and certainly me being broke all the time helps very little.
Defining friendships and defining what the boundaries of these relationships has been lost in some levels. It’s weird, because I feel like we are estranged boyfriends some times. I joke that he is the best non-boyfriend ever… but the truth and sting of it is that there is a ring of truth to that. I do not want to go there with him… maybe because it feels like we have been playing that role on some level.
I crave intimacy. Really, far beyond sex. Sex is hot, fast, and finishes quickly leaving an empty void when it is over. Sex is easy and satisfying even for a little while.
However, I have been paying attention to my interactions with guys I am romantically attracted to. I found myself getting over it very quickly. My dissatisfaction with people comes quickly. Their faults radiate brightly. However, really I just do not have room for a relationship on that level right now.

Last night I had the pleasure of meeting Marian Goodell  from Burning Man while a month ago I met Larry Harvey. These are pretty much the two top names associated with Burning Man. Larry started Burning Man some 25 or 26 years ago (officially not 100% sure). Since this year is the 25th anniversary one might assume…

On my previous entry I noted I was staying with “New Horizons”, which is wrong. My camp is “Journeys” and it will be at Center Camp behind the supply are of Center Camp (Somewhere near Black Rock Roller Disco I think).

This was a long day. I did not let things get to me the way they could of, but I was still left thinking about a lot of things. Basically, I stayed in most of the day taking care of household shit while doing some reflection and shifts of household energy.
The previously written entries with me bitching about my house guest are meaningless. I was acting out in frustration and angst because the friendship was not taking shape like I had hoped; and for my vapid shallow followers the expectation was simply friendship.
There in-lies the problem that there was an expectation.
So, I still will always move the earth for someone who is a friend. I will turn the wheel that makes the earth go round for that friend.
Unfortunately, he left and I do not recall a single ‘thanks’… but I may be wrong. More expectations seem to color the farewell and the reflection of the friendship is still in shadow. Basically, I still do not know where I stand with him and I guess I have to just accept it. It is what it is.
I am feeling very frustrated, exhausted, and drawn because life is simply not advancing. I am begrudgingly trotting along trying to make life work. If my frustrations are misdirected? If my reaction is acting out inappropriately, all I can do is be aware and apologize in advance. I’m glad I have projects and things to keep my busy – or I might go fucking nuts.

Well, it’s been a couple days since I admitted to something stupid here in the journal. We talked yesterday and my infraction is being treated like I bombed the WTC on my own. It’s way over the top. Considering our past history – one might not think it was such a big deal. Unless you really look at the facts.
I invited him into my house thinking he was my friend. Whatever that means to me and what ever it means to him might be two different things. Alas, I forgot that once before I asked him if he respected me. I never got an an answer. I started to see – that in reality – everything I am is almost completely disgusting to him.
Meh… you would think I would learn.
So, his accepting my invitation to stay here while here to get on his feet was just a means of use.  It’s not a friend here to help a friend anymore… I am just being used. I am yet another person’s carpet.
I’m not good at finding friends. I am not good at knowing how to maintain relationships. I have problems with friends, family and more. As far as Burners are concerned my relationships seem more solid, so what is the difference? Maybe I a deluded. But maybe radical inclusion is the only thing I can hold on to?