late night prattle

I remember when…

I am too wound up to go to bed right now. So, earlier today I took the wayward puppy over to a local vet who will make an effort to find a home for him. He’s a sweet dog and has a lovely face. His eyes are brilliant which made it hard to take him over there. I was worried that I might get attached… Tom on the other hand seems more comfortable being the only dog in the house.

As for me I am getting by, but just barely right now as I am still not working and have not had a single cent come in since being back. I am so broke and am getting worried about the end of the month…. especially since the month is already half over. I know there is SOME money planned for next month… but I need it now.

If you read the “Anger Management” entry either from the beginning of this month then you saw all the crap my cousin pissed on me in an e-mail she sent. You can hardly imagine that I was using them? Ugh… I vomit. Now I am back here and my bills, rent and other expenses are nearly double. At least I have people here and am closer to my real family.

It kills me. I’m killing myself. I’ve struggled to be a a good person and tried to live life the way I thought it was supposed to be. It keeps beating me in the face, then it turns around and acts like we’re BFF’s … here I go vomiting again! Fucking hell shit damn fuck piss shit and more shit!!!!!

When I moved to Oregon I met someone whom I fell for; feelings were felt and life was giving me a easy road – as it were. I mean I had no job for 3 months and I was making money off of some local guy who prolly had a crush on me and all I was doing in the end was taking advantage of the guy. My work for him turned into dinners here and there and I guess that made me his whore. I was so stressed and all I wanted was to get my life in order. Whatever…

Meanwhile, I moved back to LV thinking I could find work here, be closer to friends, be closer to family, and live some semblance of a normal life without Adolfo and I in the relationship we had before. I get here and all the shit I never dealt with with our breakup came to the surface a little and that caused some raw feelings.

I figured out a lot of things in the last four months.

  • I am an asshole – or least I have been and I got away with it because I WAS WAS WAS a good looking guy and people dealt with it. That’s passed!
  • I found out many "friends" were not really friends after all. They were fuck buddies or people who had no respect for me at all. They were sharp edged pieces on a rusty charm bracelet.
  • Some of my friends are too far away. I’ve moved, they moved, the world changed, some be married and some be lost… Chippy and Sam are lost.
  • Adolfo is someone I still love a lot and as much as I love him I can’t be around him. His words are often impatient and cutting. I find myself feeling bad about myself around him.
  • I’m single now and alone. I might not make it this time.

Well, I met someone here who is prolly going to hurt me in a couple weeks; who will fade out of my life, who will leave me feeling more alone than usual. His name is Alex and he is beautiful. I told him he like a young Antonio Banderas and he laughed at me… he came over one day thinking it was going to be a toss in the hay but I told him I wasn’t going to be anyone’s “puto” and invited him back fro dinner that night. I made a ravioli; real ravioli. He wants to come back. But he will leave me.

Today I was sitting in the hall at school having just finished talking to mom on the phone. After the call I just sat there feeling numb all over. I felt like I was invisible and watching people walking by. Imagine the ground beneath you is like a stack of glass plates. A plate shatters and the whole stack drops a little like the foundation of the earth cracking. That was how I felt that moment. I was numb to the core and shaken. All I could do was sit there stunned until it was time for class to start.

Is it worth it? Ask yourself that alone and away from everyone when you need to. I’m still wondering…

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