There are some days when I walk around and I feel like there is nothing inside of me. As I walked to school this morning from my distant parking spot… I had some time for inner reflection. I’ve had a lot of time for that lately and I see myself in ways that I seem to lose site of often. I get caught up in the dramas of the world and I let other people influence me too much.

In that, and with the events of recent years, I also discovered that my self esteem has really sunk. I was a good looking guy who had confidence and assurance. Along the way for reasons I have a hard time grasping I seem to keep running into walls. Forget all the people that keep telling me I’m not good enough… forget that I felt Adolfo kept me back from doing things… forget some of the stupid shit I did to earn money… forget any assignment of blame. Because in the end there is only me.

I came to Oregon for a change. I’ve been given a change of perspective. The emptiness I feel is that its time to just give up. I feel so empty and I feel like all the dreams I had for the future are disintegrating. As I get older those accomplishments and those desires are fading away. Along with my looks and my youth… all those things get further away. This is what happens when someone who is attractive in their youth gets older and sees life’s benefits sinking out of reach.

I also keep making huge mistakes in judgment and am left feeling god-smacked and then unable to recover enough to be the close to where I was before. Even now I feel like I am standing here scratching my ass over this move. I never imagined running out of money this fast or not having anything coming in. Already I have run into a lot of barriers that almost had me packing up and leaving a couple times over.

Still… here I am in school trying to learn something I am uncertain I have the capacity for? It’s amazing that I have maintained this grade point average of 3.6 and 3.7??? I get it. I’m not in a position to apply it in a lot of circumstances. I guess that is just another barrier.

So… if anyone takes anything dramatic out of this I am not suicidal or anything like that so get over that.

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