ramble & Sam & more ramble

I have been tired a lot and feeling overwhelmed constantly. I’m really driving myself into the ground. That or I could just need to go to the doctor. I take vitamins. I am exercising. I am trying to lose weight. I am trying to do the right things and it’s a climb up a steep hillside with falling rocks!

Adolfo’s been pretty happy since Sam departed, but I am left with huge regrets with Sam. As much I tried to be close to him and to love him as a freind he was always arm’s length away. With this last stay we may have been pushed apart more. Growing expereince for him or me? Hopefully we both learned something from it all. Hopefully I won;t lose him into whatever he is going back to in L.A..

I’ve carried something in my heart for Sam over a long time. It’s not like I have any romantic expectations out of him, just he’s like a needy puppy I want to cuddle and protect. Unfortunately he never realized how much I was willing to offer him and give him room for, but he thought he had to b.s. me for what I was already willing to give him.

Sam is a sweet, loving guy who needs to come out of this cacoon he is in. It hides him and allows him to exist undisturbed… but at the same time it shields him from being seen by the powers of the universae that can give him significant power. Perhaps that is the issue – in itself – because power corrupts.


The whole Sam thing was just on my mind I guess. A lot of things are on my mind. I’m worried about my health and my mental status. I’m 42 friggin years old right now and I am really feeling it. I might be in the midst of some life crisis too. I want to leave his city really bad, but I am getting a lot out of school right now and don’t want to lose that.

Another thing I decided was to stop looking back. I miss a lot of old friends and former lovers, but I don’t think they miss me? When I have someone in my heart it seems they are there forever unless I am betrayed by them in some way. I have to stop holding on to the past and continue moving forward.

So, this rant is the product of not putting anything out here in a while. Sorry about that! XO!

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