I havwe been thinking about my last entry into the ol’d diary here.
I love Isreali men. I really do… hot hot hot. Look at my hottest guys on page 1, at least 2 of them are nice skinny jewish boys and are way yummy. So, this whole Middle East thing is going to be a huge fucking mess. These Mulsims are going to bring nothing but chaos to an already messed up world.
Anyway, I can’t wait to do something positive with my life. I was thinking how much I personally have failed in my life. How hum-drum I have become and boring. I have a JOB with no potential for growth… but no one around me can see that. I have my freind Ed who’s worked at SCE for 20 frigging years now and OH MY HELL he is doing so well and seems so happy with it. I guess I should be counting my blessings.
I grew up with my Dad telling me I would never amount to anything. I grew up with him telling me I was nothing. He did his best to prove it to me and I think I developed this idea I needed to over-compensate for my life and so nothing is ever good enough.
With Adolfo, I have settled for a lot of things. SETTLED. I think he has settled for me too, and I know he can do a lot better than me. I love him a lot. Mostly because he takes good care of me and puts up with a lot of my shit. I still feel like I was to be on my own for a while, but how do you tell someone that? How do you tell someone you love you want to have some time-out for a bit?
I dunno.
I want to get out of Las Vegas very badly. I hate it here. I hate the trap I am in. I hate that I am feeling like such a complete loser that I am chokcing on my own regret and self pity. Oh, this is sickening. I got my fucking degree in Culinary for a reason and I will be damned if I can really figure it all out. FUCK!
FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!