mental note

Today is the last day of Adolfo’s vacation days and I pretty much reserved the day for him. We really did nothing. I made a nice dinner, we had a nice lunch, we did a little shopping… and nothing else.

My distress at this relationship is mounting again. I think the longer you are with someone the harder it is to see the conclusion. I love him. I just need something else.

There are a lot of details I don’t want to put on here, yet I really need a friend to talk to. I miss Ed in Long Beach so much. He was always a good friend who dispensed quick fire advice. I never got the chance to lament with him, because he would never put up with it. Which was really a good thing.

My friends here have been so absent. Not that my record has been spotless, but the value of friendship is transparent around this city. Which is a mile of difference in Boston where freinds really bond there.

I miss having freinds. I would do anything for my freinds.

I miss Mikey. He moved back to Canada for good reasons and I hear he is doing really well.

Occasionally since turning 40 I have had some real crisis moments. I am distressed about which direction life is taking me and so far in Las Vegas I have been spinning in a circle. And it has been a wicked circle.

I’ve got a gun pointed at my own head, not literally, but in the sense that I have made some really bad personal decsions.

  • Leaving Brian was one of the hardest things I ever did, but it was good for him in the long run.
  • I should never have left Boston when I did.
  • Moving to Vegas was a huge huge huge mistake.
  • Staying in Vegas was another mistake.
  • Getting my degree in Culinary was a huge mistake.

I miss Sam.

I feel like I am getting close to a breaking point. I feel like I am dead center of something I could call al mid-life crisis and there is no safety net beneath me.

My connections to people have been very precious, but they keep slipping away from me. My connection to Adolfo is blanketed by a big-stupid issue and a few little pitiful somethings.

I also miss Kaidy.

I miss Maureen.

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