eyes wide shut

Life is so fucking bizarre. There is an ancient belief that the people in our lives are there for a reason. Each of us has something we can learn from the person next to us. If we’re open to those lessons it could mean several things: you become a wiser being, you become a more spitritually elevated person, or you could start getting really confused and fucked up???

I always see lessons on life. It’s the eternal Auger I see myself as… Steven Saylor would know what I meant by that. Augers used to be spiritual leaders in ancient Rome who told the future by seeing signs in nature.

Applying that to myself I see myself and the road ahead reflected in the world around me all the time. Sometimes it just damn depressing. Sometimes it inspires tremendous hope and pride. It is especially joyful when you see so much good in some people that it fills my heart with pure bliss.

Although I have always felt this way, I stopped paying attention for a while and really ended up off track. You will see in a coming section on www.bookofuriel.com where these philosophies are a little more spelled out.

What brings this post into light: See, Adolfo and I have been having some troubles for a long time. Mostly in the area of patience, goals, and intimacy. Without getting too detailed, there are issues and we are both aware of them (‘nough said about that part). So, I have been really thinking about WHERE we are are going in this relationship and seeing it coming to a rather concerning conclusion.

I recently met another couple. We have a lot in common with these guys on a social level, interests, socially, and we click amazingly well from my point of view. There have been absolutely NO sexual inuendos or tensions to deal with… it has been a pure freindship which seems rare; in other words a lot of people I have met here in LV have had hidden agendas.

We went to a party at their house last week and had a wonderful time. Adolfo and I were the strangers there, but we had such a nice time it was like we were finally meeting the kind of people we should have met long before.

The couple seemed to click so nicely and even talked about their active sex life. I was jelous, I admit, starting to see wherein Adolfo and I were really far apart from each other.

A week later we all went out to dinner together and were talking very frankly about our lives and I guess one said too much leaving the seond feeling like he was betrayed or being called an asshole. They had a huge fight and nearly broked up over it and I was so stunned.

I talked to one, the one I usually talk to, and found out the perfect couple was not as perfect as I thought. They have the same issues we have, basically, and given they have been together as long as we have it is a relief. I started thinking Adolfo and I were doomed, but now I wonder how normal we are?

That’s the point of this anyway, that this couple became a reflection of my thoughts and worries about our relationship. I compared us to them and found out… it’s okay. We work on our sisues, but it is a relief to find out were not so different.

(BTW, I had a lot of this written and the damn browser went flukey on me and I had to retype half ot it. Ugh!)

Updating a previous note I entered: Allan, the closeted married guy I spoke of, has snapped and is aparently pissed off at me. He cut me off in AIM and has taken to ignoring me. As I wrote in this entry, I see life as a series of important lessons we can take from everyone we meet IF we are open to them.

Allan seems closed off to those lessons for the most part. He is more open to negative energy than positive, which is a shame. Someone told him he looked like Newman from Seinfeld and he totally flipped out and carried on for weeks. A guy he had been pining for, another closeted married guy, dumped him and he lamanted ENDLESSLY over him.

I have tried to give Allan helpful, positive information, suggestions, and feedback but it goes right through him and nothing sticks. I guess that is the way some people are, as much as I can see, but I have tried.

Admittedly, I have teased him and given him a hard time over his closeted circumstance because a lot of the stress he puts himself through is unneccessary. I told him he needs to share his feelings with his wife because they really seem to love each other a lot. BUT, they are also explosive and have issues. So who knows if that is actually a good suggestion? It’s better than sneaking around and lying all the time, isn’t it?

I’m no angel… as it were. I do bad things… 🙁 I just wanted him to be happier and less stressed.

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