Well, this is another night at work and yesterday ended quietly and effortlessly. There are some positive aspects to this Graveyard shift business. There are drawbacks. Eitherway, I am just a little soldier getting through it all.
Yesterday I wrote about how unhappy I was in general. I was thinking about that. You have to wonder what it is that drives me and why I seem so complacent???? It is easy to bitch about stuff on this blog, but then the good shit happenes I tend to speak less about it.
A failing in my personality is that I really do not know how to deal with being happy. If I am happy I am also miserable. I am uncomfortable with joy. It’s been a while since I had comfort with those things, ya know???
I think when I lived in Long Beach 1990 to 1996 I was more happy and carefree. I had a dear freind, Ed, and other freinds who were also very important to me. Fact is, I think my troubles with the IRS really took thier toll on my sanity. I think some bad decisions I made also took their toll on my ability to be rational at times.
I am not blaming others for my problems. I am taking ownership… trying to see the origin. Hell, I can’t blame my parents. As dysfunctional as that was, I think I made it through my family unscathed.
I made mistakes in a couple past relationships I can never take back, which I have already lamented TO DEATH in these diary pages; Brian (1999), James (1996), John (1996), and Ron (1993). Well, come to think of it, I may have only done the Brian thing to death here because this diary started in 1999.
Here I go… drifting through my thoughts. I do not need an ex’s page on my site. I did that a couple times, too. I would have to add Pete (1995), Adolfo (1994) and more…. what’s that? Yes, Adolfo and I dated for a year in 1994ish…
Anyway, all of life’s experieinced slowly mold the person you have here today. Same goes for you. We are all more alike then we often know. In my heart I often feel like I stand very alone in spite of all these people around me. I have been very fortunate. I count my blessings, but at the same time I lament my failures. I envy and feel angry at others even when it hardly seems neccessary. I feel inseucure and fear getting old. I am human…… so it seems.