Today was another day that I found very difficult. My mind was outside of myself through the first half of it, though I struggled to stay focused at work. I told a co-worker how much I appreciated him and he really seemed warmed by it. I have thoughts of being able to be very open and close to him… but I do not know who I can trust. I am especially suspicious of heteros…
Before I come off as a complete loon… I also want to say I am not actually going insane…. I am merely evaluating some choices I made. With freinds, with work, with attitudes. I suppose one needs to do that and I seem to have these petty crisises (sp?) once in a while… recently I had one over leaving Las Vegas once and for all… yet the bitch is still here.
I had one of these criseses when I broke up with Brian and lived 3 years to regret my actions. I have left freinds who were unkind, psycho, or just like poison and have occasioanlly looked back and wondered if I was too impulsive in my decisions.
Can you tell I still feel unsettled. I can say for certain that Adolfo has not figured into this conflict too much because he is only effected by the shockwaves of my actions so far. As I drift away from Keith, Adolfo has had a close relationship with HIM that will be effected. I am trying not to blow him out of the water over my actions… ya know?
Allan called me today. He is a huge dork. Still have not talked to Keith, because of the above. I miss Terry, Ed, Maureen, Brian, TVD, and a host of others. MIKEY!
Troubling…? I keep thinking I see my friend whom 10 years ago died from AIDS. This week I saw him three times in different places; or someone I thought was him. Today I almost swerved in the road…. wierd huh?
Sammy? My LBJoyBoy is out there suffering in North Africa and I want to add him to my prayers. To Estuardo in Boston my love, prayers, and tears for your recovery from Stage 4 cancer. To Cindy, I hope you get better for you and your kids. 143 to uNOhoooooo in Chicago.
I prayed tonight. Not only for my freinds, but for my own strength and wisdom. For my insight and vision… I prayed to Michael (my ultimate Angel), to the God that encomapses us all in light and conscience, to my surrounding spirits of passed freinds, lovers and family.. the blue lady, the wood spirits, and all my other angels.
I am stopping now because Allan said I was writing too much in one sitting. His attention span is limited… ha ha ha!