OMG! Moved but not unpacked….completely anyway! This apartment is considerable more smaller than our last. Still two bedroom, still two bath… but MAYBE 25% of the storage space.
Going to work today was painful. I am not suited for this job and I know it. The spirits are telling me to leave when I can yet they understand I need to accomplish something there. In spite of the torment I endure in the daily ROUTINE I am still trying to learn and soak up what I can.
I have another issue, too. I was thinking today that I am a terrible person in some ways. I am not a good freind. Maybe I chose freinds that are wrong for me? Or maybe I am somply doing something wrong????
There have been some freinds whom I loved 100% without any physical/tactal expressions for like Ed in Long Beach. Todd Van Dorn, Hairdresser Todd, Magician Rob and a few others. There that have been other friends like Mikey (from Canada), Jeff from Redondo Beach, LBJoyBoy from Long Beach (now in Cypress [not California] migrating to Isreal), and a few others who do not come to mind whom I loved 150%; but I had HAD physical relations with them that seemed to build a different connection. Group A If felt confident with while Group B I felt warmed by.
I have friends at so many levels; male. Women are a whole other story… they are more like Group A. The Group B people I would go to the ends of the earth for… while Group A people I would do nearly anything for. There are so many chellenges when trusting yourself to another person.
I see you now, Allan, have a bloody tizzy wondering why you weren’t mentioned???? Some people, like you, have grown to be more like a sibling whom I have a closeness to… but a quiet disfunction with? Does that make sense???? Keith is like that, too.
2 things happened that got me thinking along this path:
1. Keith and I had words the day before yesterday and I have not wanted to talk to him since. I called today, but there was no answer on his cell or his land line. I figured… I better hold off. Adolfo wants me to make amends because HE feels close to Keith, even as I have many times. Yet, we have this miserable dysfunction that pops up on occasion.
2. A guy at work who is attractive and nice and hetero (from what I can tell) told me he knew all about Adolfo and our relationship. I was releived because I really wanted to tell him. He is a good man and has a powerful heart. I feel like I could become very close to him if it were possible??? ….like a Group B person. He is married with 4 kids and NO: I am not thinking of cheating on Adolfo with him so shut up.
So, I am conflicted. Those wierd, strange relationships from school fell away quickly after graduation last month. There are some people I still wish I could see on occasion and Keith was one of them. He is a pain in the ass at times but when we have fun together it is a riot! But I am asking myself if it is worth keeping? Is the dysfunction too grand and am and going to get pulled down with him?
Plled down??? Wrong word maybe???? There are reasons I do not wish to disclose on this diary… can’t for his sake… won’t for his respect.
Keith judged me and does it a lot. I might have passed some judgements to him whcih seemed to open a door like Pandora’s Box. It was almost an invitation for he to define his feelings about me and invite his feelings which I may not want to hear. He embarrased me the other day by expressing himself in front of a stranger which I do not put up with AT ALL. ….by no one.
So, I am alone. I hardly hear from Allan. Ed never contacts me… Todd, Todd …. they are all in Long Beach living good lives. My LBJoyBoy wrote me tonight telling me how LOW he feels about himself and I want to hug him… but Egypt is very far away. Jeff is in love with another man who is a fantastic guy and is so lucky to have him. Mikey has retired from the world back in Canada somewhere… all I have is my memories of him and a picture we took together that hangs in my bathroom.
I wish I was a better person. I wish I was a tolerant man. I wish I was better and sharing my love. I wish I was a better husband. I wish God would forgive me and that I could forgive myself. I wish I could find happiness. I wish I would find peace.
I often wish I was dead. I could never just kill myself, but I have wished many times it was all over with and that I was migrating on free of my mortal conscience. If I died tonight, then I would have left this earth in this life not knowing joy.