Well, I blew it totally! I feel like my chest has imploded and I really am
ready to jump off a cliff. I just screwed everything up with Hector… as if
it was not teetering already. Hector and I had a long discussion today and a
lot of exposed feelings including some admissions. I admitted to Hector the
level of feelings I was having and told him that the ‘labels’ we were putting
on this relationship were not working for me. He wanted terms like ‘Just Friends’
while I wanted to be able to tell people we were offically dating and going
somewhere with it all.
I know Hector is less than a year from his lover passing on… I suspect he
is not really ready for all that, but I think he was considering it. He asked
me for monogamy. I agreed to it… and I have not been dating anyone else. As
far as sex is concered, I have also pretty much saved all that for Hector. Afterall,
we were not committed really until Saturday when he asked for monogamy.
Furthermore, Hector also informed me he was moving to Seattle next month. He
wondered if I would go? I donot know where I stood on that… but I might have.
All of this is moot now. An Asian guy was flirting with me pretty hard at the
gym on my way out. He followed me to my truck and I admit I was titalated. I
almost went along… I even started to go with him but I diverted and went home.
But, then my cell phone rang and it was Hecotr telling me he saw the whole thing.
Boy, he was mad at me. In the end, I broke all trust with him.
My heart is absolutely broken right now. But, maybe it is for the better? I
do feel like I am missing out completely on something that could have been wonderful.
One of my freinds told me he would never accept me for me. I suppose he was
IS MY FUNC!
I wanted to add this part yesterday morning when I wrote my last entry, but
I forgot it for various reasons. Mikey stayed here right before he left for
TO. He also left a notebook here with some of his things that he did not need
to drag north. I was cooking and I saw it there and I felt sad because I miss
my FunkyMunkey! We were seeing each other almost everyday before he flew away,
so you can imagine what it feels like to have someone vanish like that. I picked
up the notebook and looked at it realizing that the cover of it reminded me
of… Noah!?!?! The cover of this notebook reminds me of the cover of Noah’s
site. So, I held the book a little while re-establishing myself with the FunkyMunc.
I forced myself to the gym last night, too. After a day of errands and bill
paying I meandered off to the gym much later than usual. There are a couple
guys I have been flirting with there. What is the deal??? I usually go to the
gym at noon almost daily and I ended up wandering in at 6 pm last night only
to see A LOT OF PEOPLE who are there when I go at noon. Do these losers have
Anyway, Hector was there too. The poor baby was suffering from losing his voice
and I wanted him to come over for some chicken soup!
About Hector, I am not dating or fucking anyone else right now as this has
the potential of working out. Also, I want to share everything with him right
now but do not to tell him too much about myself as I fear I might put him off.
Anyway, before I sign off. I want to share an e-mail I recieved yesterday about
my previous diary entries:
—–Original Message—– From: Gary [mailto:edited out] Sent: Monday, April
01, 2002 12:53 PM To: email@example.com Subject: RE: Moved Maybe
I’m wrong, but you seemed to get a little critical of yourself (at least that’s
the impression I got). Maybe it was because of this line: That is a valid concern.
I have dated way too many people in the past … well, dated, screwed, and other
things. I think that’s where it came from. Don’t mind me… I’m still adled
from moving furniture all weekend! 😉 You know I still love you! Gary