Yesterday I commented about a guy named Hector whom I recently met and

started seeing. Well, we had a date last night and went out for the evening.

I figured since I got a Saturday night things might be looking up. As

you also know, I have a tendency to relate a lot of my anxieties here

and predictions for my dating future.


Let’s admit one thing, dating sucks! There are good times and all but the bottom

line the ‘not-knowing’ if it will work out or …if you will have feelings develope

and he does not… or is this ‘just sex’ versus an emotional commitment. Blah

blah blah… We all go through this shit.

Well, back to Hector anyway. He and I had a very nice time last night and talked

about some important things as far as our dating future is concerend. Looks

like things are looking very positive.

Why is there a picture of Martin Valko here (sexiest adult star on the plant!)?

I think Hector looks a lot like him to be honest. And just as sexy! Last night

Hector and I went out for dinner to the prestigious Olive Garden and had a light

dinner that left us stuffed. We flowed over to IKON where we both ran into people

we knew. It was an awkward position to be in because neither of us have committed

to ‘dating’ each other. One of Hector’s friends asked me if Ihad a lover and

all I could say was no… I couldnot say "Well, we are dating". Hecotr

was appreciative how I answered the question and let me know, which I thought

was sweet. He did admit he had concerns about me being monogamous. He says it

is because of the many men I have dated in the past.

That is a valid concern. I have dated way too many people in the past … well,

dated, screwed, and other things. I want a monogamous relationship and I want

to share my life with someone. I am absolutely torchured with this idea right

now and wish in my heart that I had the ability to commit to one man. I know

I can. I have been looking for this since Brian and I broke up so long ago.

It’s been 2.5 years since he and I broke up and I miss that companionship.

I was concerend yesterday that Hector was on the edge of breaking up with me.

When I saw him last night it seemed at first that he had something on his mind

that further enforeced the idea that I was about to be dumped. "Break up

with me" implies we were together!?!? I told him last night to tell me

when we can tell people we are dating. To me, we are dating. We have had four

dates and he stayed with me last night.

Nothing is carved in stone as of yet, but I feel that this could be positive

whether this works out or not. There are some issues looming over us right now

for me and for him. For me, there are issues of monogamy and my own fulfillment.

For he, Hector’s self image seems to be bruised. I thik he is absolutely beautiful

looking but he hates when I tell him how handsome he is. Is this a good thing?

He told me he feels like he is not good looking and even ugly, and I think he

believes that on a cereberal level.


Anyway, after IKON last night we went to Gypsy todance. I saw Kevin, Christian,

and Josh who were hanging out after an afternoon of drinking. They did not look

like they were having much fun, ya know. I saw the guy named Jason who I used

to date and Hecotor thought he was unattractive (even fat). [Jason can be seen

in the gallery from our date in Novemeber].

I guess a good thing is that Hecotr does not go on the web. I can write my

diary and vent and express and whine and he may well never see these entries.

What about someone else who wants to date me? When will Hector ask for a commitment?

Did he ask for one last night and I am too clueless to catch on? Do I not accept

dates from other guys until I know?

Oh crap…

Anyway… Mikey has been gone since yesterday and I already miss him. This

time away will make me appreciate him more. Boy, I need to go back to bed. Maybe

I’ll whine more later…?

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