I am a miserable human being on this planet these days mired down in what I think is everyone’s expectations of me. Not exactly making a great proclamation right now. I have almost never been that person… I tried not being anyway. I have walked to my own beat and I am one of
Everyone has told me I look very unhappy in this picture. Maybe I am just in denial?
those people who has a whole theme song in my head when walking down the street.
Can’t say I was the kind of person to walk the path most taken, and with that I think I was happier. I have been really struggling here in San Francisco because since I have lived here I have tried to walk the line thinking it would take me somewhere. So far I cannot say this worked out all that well.
- Mom: wants me steady and in a career and a happy life
- C Monster: wants a normal relationship with monogamy
Where is this guy from about a year and a half previous? Lighter in weight and baggage?
Can’t say coming here was a mistake. But somewhere I stopped living my life. The pluses and the minuses of that have not been obvious, but the signs were there!
Baggage
For about a year I have been seeing all kinds of signs I was doing the wrong things. I was not living for me. I am absolutely adrift in a construct of reality outside of self. I do this in so many ways that the tracks are lost in overgrowth and trees way the fuck over there (imagine me pointing off into the black forest).
I want my parents (Sallie and Bob) be be able to be proud. I love them absolutely and want to be there for them even though I can’t. They are elderly and struggling though they seem to get lucky once in a while.
I love C Monster and I am lucky to have someone who honestly and truly loves me back. But… there is still something missing. Not one of those huge things, but there is a switch inside me that is just not installed right.
Speaking of which, there is my biological father. I have virtually nothing inside me for him anymore. I had this fantasy that he and I would become father and son once again, but there are huge barriers:
- his abuse for all those years growing up = 3 years of therapy +
- his placement of my biological sister on a pedestal = more therapy
You know he spent much of my formative years telling me:
- I was completely worthless and would never amount to anything = never tell a kid that
- I was not worthy of his name = fuck you for that
So what do I do now?
It’s funny how the universe works sometimes and the messages that play in the brain… yes, as if someone somewhere something was sending a little reminder that this light could shine brighter once again:
- quote: “Fortune favors the Bold“
- quote: “Mired down in pettiness instead of stepping your shit up.”
– Season 1 Ep. 7 “Orange is the new Black“
A Song – This was stuck in my head two days ago at work
A Song – this was stuck in my head yesterday at work
Losing him has been a long process and it started a long while ago. He bonded with my mom and I had no idea how much until I went to visit not long ago. After he lost his eyes and while I was there it was as if he forgot me.
bullshit I let creep into my life. Alas it just seemed to clear the road for other things.
ultimate spiritual good.
Today may be Tom-Dog’s last day on earth and I lost him 2 years ago. Taking him to my mom’s to stay while I figured out of San Francisco is where I needed to be was the right thing to do. She lives in the country and is home a lot, and he is bonded to her and my step-dad.
My work schedule is opposite his and we have to see each other less. I cannot cook for him like I would like and that is a solid bummer. I love making us dinner at home.
I stayed sober, relatively speaking, most of the week. Booze and other things were not a priority. I also went to the burn on a shoestring budget and mostly on the wings of others so that helped. Turned out to be a blessing to be too broke and so busy that my energies were better focused.
