Someone had this posted
“Give yourself the compassion you deserve for any and all past actions. Stop judging yourself harshly. All those errors and wrong actions were necessary for you to get beyond that placein your life. Be kind to yourself and eliminate any ill feelings you harbor toward yourself.” – Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

It may go without saying, or it might be the oldest saying there is, but it must be said. Now, I am going to hack this bitch up, but this is the general gist of what I am thinking:

“How can you expect to change your life unless you change what you’re doing for your life?”

See, hacked up. Basically I get caught up in routines and comfort zones. I’ve broken free of comfort zones for the most part and made excuses for others.
I have been SLOWLY focusing on changing parts of my life over the last couple years. I would like to say I am very different, but therein lay the delusion. As noted in previous entries as much as one changes one remains the same.
I am literally struggling day in and day out. I am really worried and having a hard time with WHERE I AM in life right now because I am that car that just came around the bend on a race track and hit a grease spot. That for the grace of God am I.
So why change? Why do anything different? What is so painful in life right now that is inspires anything but the same ol’ routine?
I am painfully lonely and as much as I try to hold on to certain friends in my life right now I never get  complete fulfillment. I love my Burners. Seriously, when I need a mood enhancement (not chemical or intoxicant) I can be with my Burners and find comfort.
But I need more. I woke up today after a few days of contemplation considering when does this become action? When does change react to a catalyst?

• This weight I have been carrying for 8 years has to go
• I need to learn to be comfortable in my own skin
• I gotta stop bringing myself down
• I have to let go of the baggage of my childhood
• I need me

So, if I can maintain. If I can hold myself up. If I can accept. If I can find the inner strength,  new day begins. No one can help me. No one knows what I need to get there. I do not think anyone knows me well enough to make this journey securely; even myself.

     “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

I am waking up on Tuesday feeling more like the blob than an action hero. I remember when – not so long ago – nothing could get in my way. I remember when my self confidence was like steel and other people’s negativity was like rubber bullets.
Somewhere I turned into this paper man carved out of a 1970’s brown grocery bag. In past blogs I blamed my father for a lot of this… but this deflation of me can’t be levied on anyone but myself. This inaction is a process of slowing down over the last year.
I live for my Burning Man stuff. I challenge myself with my little projects. I dream and fantasize about a better tomorrow… in the end I am sloth and I am envy.
Moments, like this in reflection, I feel so much disdain for myself. I feel my failure and my own ruin. And when I see those guys and women on the side of the road holding a sign begging for free money I feel a chill running through my bones.

So, tonight I had a nice conversation with buddy David who is staying with me temporarily. I asked a stupid question that started the dialog, but he gave me some insight and time to meditate on a challenge he presented me with.
See, I have been out of work (without a JOB) for quite a while and there are a lot of issues revolving around me really eroding my self confidence and my ability to focus. I am essentially drifting without a solid purpose.
My Burning Man activities have given me a sense of purpose, providing me something tangible to focus on. Career wise, I am still feeling really unable to rely on the education from the Art Institute to get me moving in my career. Do I blame them for graduating me without the needed skills? Do I blame myself for not obtaining those skills before departing?
Know me, my self confidence is in the dirt right now. Stagnant, I am unmotivated and drowning in my own self-pity. But David has inspired me and is giving me a chance to start considering a new journey.

So, I have been toying about another major renovation on my personal site, and here it is. Symbolism has always been something that appealed to me. Note the Tree of Life in the corner and the angel logo on the Burning Man section.
Now, maybe I can start contributing more and communicating better. Within the last week, we had gay-pride here and I realized I was really was further from the gay community than I should be. There is something to being involved. I certainly put a lot of myself into the Burning Man culture.
See, I have felt that most gays have been vapid and shallow. It’s a turn off to try and connect with someone and not have anything to hold on to. Perhaps my expectations were more selfish? Perhaps I expected too much? Yet, here I am single once again and this time – not so bad.
So, as the year drags on I am looking ahead for a sign post for my next journey. I need to figure that one out still.

I posted my project online and need to get the final paperwork off to Burning Man, but I am wondering if my partner is actually involved anymore. I invited him to join in and he added more dimension to the project. BUT, at this point I can’t see where I can count on anyone else to help make this come to life.

The link to the project.

ugh… I am drained. Talk more soon…

So, though I have been out of work for much of the last year, I keep trying to find my niche. It keeps avoiding me. Having said that, I was feeling like life was turning into a skid last month. Especially with Gio in my life, I felt like the car that was in the skid suddenly was pulling a small trailer along with it… ugh.
The representation of my success and security is something I never defined. The trap door in the floor for me is money, straight out, that being the one thing that stresses me out more than anything. Money has been the knuse that has been my Sword of Damocles my whole life.
What is it that money does for us when we spend more than we have so easily? Credit, cash from parents, borrowing here or there… it is all one more inch in the rope strung around my own neck.
As a kid, my dad gave me money to shut me up or make his own troubled personality feel better over saying or doing anything positive. His bandage was money. Meanwhile, I saw my mom always struggling to sew pennies together and like me get over hear head once in a while. But God Bless the woman, she is a survivor and finally got retirement.
I am drowning. I think this month I may have finally sunk below the surface and keep looking for the light at the surface. It’s been the weirdest struggle this year.
So, that car skidding into the curve, well a tire just blew and there is smoke coming out from under the hood. I look out the drivers side door and see the wall getting closer. Do I crush into it? Do I bounce off and slide forward picking up momentum?
– mom and step-dad rescued me on a small loan and I have barely paid any of it back after 2.5 years
– the car I absolutely loved was repossessed and Honda is coming at me for the balance
– Capital One is suiting me over 2k$
– my current bills are about equal to or more than any money I have coming in
– my unemployment could end at any time; there is no count down on what is left
What am I going to do? I have to take some form of action this week.
Look out that window! The wall is made out of white washed cement and has a lot of little dimples in it. There is a big dark-gray smudge where someone else visited it recently. Just past it are a lot of people having pink papers at me and shouting.
Ugh
(If you have not figured it out, but my brain works in metaphores and pictures)

The new event I was part of the production team for has been postponed for some important reasons, understandable given the circumstances related to the venue. We hope to have our Decompression event there.

With the warming weather things are really ramping up, getting ready for Burning Man 2010. I see people making huge efforts in their plans and very little support from the community. “Ambivalence” is the key word… or is it financial depression? Could it be people getting tired of too much and too many changes?

Alas, my own anticipation of larger BM related events is quietly tempered because I have experienced it once now and want to make this segment of my journey something else. I want to feel something more about this Burn especially given it is such an important year.

I turned in an application for a Art statement to be placed on the playa. Details will be posted on this site in the next couple of days. I am pending the call for the interview… anxiously waiting!

I also plan on bring other pieces for Center Camp and share in that forum. So excited! …but with temperance. You simply cannot go into Burning Man with expectations.