It may go without saying, or it might be the oldest saying there is, but it must be said. Now, I am going to hack this bitch up, but this is the general gist of what I am thinking:
“How can you expect to change your life unless you change what you’re doing for your life?”
See, hacked up. Basically I get caught up in routines and comfort zones. I’ve broken free of comfort zones for the most part and made excuses for others.
I have been SLOWLY focusing on changing parts of my life over the last couple years. I would like to say I am very different, but therein lay the delusion. As noted in previous entries as much as one changes one remains the same.
I am literally struggling day in and day out. I am really worried and having a hard time with WHERE I AM in life right now because I am that car that just came around the bend on a race track and hit a grease spot. That for the grace of God am I.
So why change? Why do anything different? What is so painful in life right now that is inspires anything but the same ol’ routine?
I am painfully lonely and as much as I try to hold on to certain friends in my life right now I never get complete fulfillment. I love my Burners. Seriously, when I need a mood enhancement (not chemical or intoxicant) I can be with my Burners and find comfort.
But I need more. I woke up today after a few days of contemplation considering when does this become action? When does change react to a catalyst?
- This weight I have been carrying for 8 years has to go
- I need to learn to be comfortable in my own skin
- I gotta stop bringing myself down
- I have to let go of the baggage of my childhood
- I need me
So, if I can maintain. If I can hold myself up. If I can accept. If I can find the inner strength, new day begins. No one can help me. No one knows what I need to get there. I do not think anyone knows me well enough to make this journey securely; even myself.
“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”
Ya know, the funny thing I was starting to think my time with the Burner community was becoming more a hinderance than a plus in my lif. Truth is – it has liberated me. I’ve done and felt and expressd things I might never have done.
It’s not them. It’s not that. It’s the demon inside of me.
A couple days ago someone asked me if I had an addictive personality. My first thoughts were drugs, alchohol, sex, shopping…. blah blah blah. But maybe the truth is not so easily defined.
I look at ALL the addiction in my family and thought I missed that bullet. Little did I know there was a time-bomb in my head and it’s got a loose wire.
This entry still has the potential of being a steaming pile of horseshit unless I take it to heart. I need something. I need … I MUST evolve. I must not fall into the cracks. I’m trying hard emotionally and spiritually to stay above the crevice line.
After ALL this above… I just read my horoscope:
Do you look for career guidance as you read your daily horoscope? The Work Compatibility Meter can give you extra insight by showing how well you relate to your coworkers.
General Daily Horoscope Influences
The winds of change pick up as the airy Gemini Moon creates dynamic squares with expansive Jupiter, contractive Saturn and shocking Uranus. Although the Moon’s entry into contemplative Cancer at 1:45 pm EDT usually settles our emotions, her harsh aspects with warrior Mars and intense Pluto could provoke a power struggle. We would be wise to remain flexible enough to sidestep any conflicts that might unnecessarily add stress to the busy week ahead. Listen to more about today on Rick Levine’s Daily Planet Pulse Podcast.
By Rick Levine
It’s a smart idea to downplay your emotions today because you may appear more intense than you actually are. But don’t pretend that everything is fine if you are uncomfortable with someone else’s behavior now. Nevertheless, caution is advised because others can easily misinterpret your words by thinking that you’re casting blame on them. Express your feelings without shifting the responsibility away from yourself.
Nope, not blaming anyone. Not even blaming my father. Not blaming my biological sister. Not blaming anyone. I take full ownership – just sayin