It’s been a challenge, but since my previous entry every day has ended differently than before. I am making some new efforts to further bend me. To bend myself into something more evolved.
Today – while taking a step forward – I took a step backward. I woke up next to a friend of mine and using the brain in the wrong head thought I was going to – go there. Nope… may have wrecked the whole relationship. Not that we don’t have a history. Not that there is one other issue the spoiled the pot. But his reaction was so over the top I realized tonight the real problem is that he looks at me with disgust.
Ya know, if that is the case that’s okay. Look at me like I am some fat troll not worthy of you. I made a mistake this morning and it’s been haunting me all freaking day. It’s made me do some evaluating. It’s made me wonder where I really stand in this.
I wanted you as a friend and though what I did was almost nothing… not that I was not willing to go a little further… but the sheer idiocy of the moment was not lost on me and felt silly afterward. I woke up horny this morning. Kill me. You were naked and hard and laying there so fucking beautifully.
I’m not into you that way.
Ugh… so yeah. This entry was supposed to be about something else entirely.
screwed up (nfm)
Posted in nfm!* (not for mom).
I’m not angry. I am sad. I feel a loss here.
My friend John and I have done things like partners in crime… not like sexual together… (not really) but we go trolling together sometime and that some people treat us the bf’s I am good with it.
I feel close to him. I feel so comfortable.
I wanted that with D too… I guess. When I hear he went to a favorite playground without even telling me or sharing the experience with me I started to see that I don’t have that kind of relationship with D. Maybe this bullshit this morning was a test for that?
Yeah, I guess you have to be in my head to appreciate it. Why would you want to have sex-play with a friend?
Well, I said it was stupid. I said I was wrong. I also said it answered something I thought I had figured out last year.
Can the friendship survive? I hope so. But I don’t know.
And if M is reading this at – stop laughing you bitch.