I have been holding off making any entries because it seems like a lot of the feedback I get from some people is that I am whining a lot. I’ve been called a whiner from a few people who say … oh, poor baby… or whatever. My mom flat out called me a whiner… she said stop whining. I think she even made such a comment on a previous entry.
This is my blog and it’s not even really about the reality of the world. It is the Alice in Wonderland that is going on in my head. UNFORTUNATELY I have to edit a lot anyway… because this is still too public for some of the things I want to talk about. There are deeper issues going on with me and to write them out here is – not good.
Well, that is the perception anyway. SO much has changed with me over the last year plus and it’s not all about Burning Man. Burning Man was just a doorway into some new self exploration. I found some things inside of that, but in the end it all goes back to the same things – maybe a little more darker.
Basically, right now I feel so incredibly alone in this world that I just want to leave it. There are days I pray to God that a meteor will fall out of the sky and take me out. Or a truck will swerve on the road and wipe me right off a sidewalk. Yeah, that sorta thing goes in in my head a lot these days.
A few years back I went through a similar self destructive behavior. I have SOOOO many self doubts and it is compounded by the absolute lack of relationships I have. I can now trace a lot of this top my upbringing.
So, I get along well with single independent older women: I think this is because I have had such a good relationship with my mom over my lifetime. I made mistakes there that I still regret and hold on to.
I still having problem relating to women on a friendly level; my psychologist seems to relate this directly to my relationship with my sister growing up. We were at war since the day she was born. I wish I could say the relationship with my step-sisters made up for all that but it hasn’t.
And finally, men. My dad is an asshole and I am so much like him at times I hate it. My mom was sorta forced to agree with that when we talked, but I am actively trying not to be that. THUS… my problems developing relationships on an intimate level at all.
Good friggin grief I have been screwed over so much by people that it is so hard to open up to almost anyone.
No wonder I am so desperate to latch on to anyone these days.