1/2 way to 2010

Well, I have not written here in a while and have fallen away from it for a bit because things have been convoluted. My ability to relate my feelings or emotions get lost in this perception of “high drama” which is so not me. Anyone who would say I was just does not know me.

So, since September I have been exploring a different part of me – only to find that alternate personality has stayed. Now I feel like I have lost something in the more “wound-up Scott” into the “hippy-dippy Scott” that exists today.

Along with that, as much as my community has grown and taken on dimension, I still feel incredibly alone. I can’t rely on any friends. I have no family to lean on. I have to walk on my own as much as humanly possible.

I tried to lean on family but it’s only as good as … well, nothing to compare it to. Yeah, I love my mom and step dad and I know they are willing to help but I have a lifetime of debt to them already (monetarily and love).

Back in November, I completely cut my father out of my life realizing that it’s like shouting into an empty well. He had no idea why – I think – nor does he give a shit. I finally told him in an email last week why and there has been no reply.

My father had a heart attack a year ago – I actually cared and worried about losing him. He died years ago and I never realized it. He was a cruel and hateful man his whole life – at least toward me – and it was as if I snapped out of a fog then just cut that off. SNAP!

He could drop dead and I would just move on. Yeah, I got the big bonus with some people in life. My mom wants everyone to get along… yeah. not.

Yet – I am struggling a lot and there is a voice in my head reminding me over and over what a failure I am. The voice feels like it is confirming my fears and anxieties… which are often overwhelming.

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