paradox #4098

Recently there has been a lot to feel “out of sorts” for because I am feeling the pressure of how I managed to set up my life. I am literally sick because of it. I also feel like it’s all sorta spinning around me with all the pushing and pulling.

Adolfo is dragging me over the broken glass over Sam being at the house. When he is unhappy, he makes me pay for it, and I am so tired of the battle. I mean really, how do I turn my back on someone who is asking for help. Someone who needs help. Someone I have known for a lot of years. Adolfo would have me turn my back on freinds and although people HAVE to walk on their own two feet I know I have be there for a freind when they need me.

On the other hand, Sam has really pissed me off a few times. I asked him not to do a few things and he went right against me. I asked him if he repected me and I never got a direct answer.

So I have to question Sam’s sincerity and his honesty with me. There are times when I feel manipulated and although I have a lingering doubtr in the back of my head I go along with what he says or does. From conveneinient headaches to whatever… he seems to be spending very little time actually looking for work.

Last night I was working on my resume and updating my Jobster account, my Monster account, and general resume and I had this idea that I had managed to spend more time that evening looking for work than he in the last two weeks.

None the less, he had 60 days from his arrival to get a job and get money together for a place of his own. I reiterated that this weekend and reminded him 2 weeks have already gone by. As much as I care about Sam, he needs to go. Or… Adolfo does? Ugh!!!

I have to say that Sam has a sense of humor that I really get, even though sometimes I think he is coming in out of left field. At least we laugh.

There was a point between the last time he was here and his recent arrival where I really started looking at the people I was inviting into my life and trying to fiture out WHO belonged there… versus WHO I was holding on to. I find it hard to trust my own feelings sometimes and doubt them because I have made some bad choices in the past.

Odly enough, leaving Brian when I did, still makes me wonder if I did the right thing???? I might be looking at that situation as one of my biggest regrets. Same with Adolfo, if I leave him now will I be alone for the rest of my life. If I am, does it matter?

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