So, I am dealing with yet another epiphany today. Between issues with Seattle. Between issues moving me here to LV. Between a woman from 25 years + contacting me out of the blue. Between my parents expectations of me in Culinary. Between other peoples expectations imposed upon me. Dealing with my own unreal vision of my life… I am finally fed up.
I have firmly believed that I was destined to make a mark on the world… I also believed that MEDIOCRITY was my greatest enemy. Maybe this time I need to accept medi-ocrity is my natural course.
I don’t know anymore. I do not feel anymore. I am starting believe it is inevitable to die a quiet death in a mothball stinking room with polyester covers and fiber-fill pillows. Of course the bed will have a plastic underliner and the pillow will also have a plastic liner.
Am I doing my usual whining? Am I doing my usual prattling? If I am I am currently unawares. I really have been feeling this shit.
I would have certainly blown my own brains out 500 different ways if I did not believe it was a cosmic no-no to do so.
Who cares? Well, I have made more decisions and will see where the road takes me. I have no direction. I have no more passion. I heart is darkening and will stop beating as I knew it.. thought it should beat.
I have to find peace and tranquility with Adolfo. I have to find a place to call home and dig roots. I have to accept that security for me, my family, my home is a priority… I have to discover and be at peace with mediocrity.