Before my sleeping pill starts kicking in, I better get this written. About last night’s entry about Adolfo. I got a couple comments in e-mail about it already and I want to continue. You see, this year I did some inner relfection and realized that I spent a lot of time focused on the future I thought I was headed for or for the future I expect to see in my life. In other words, I have spent most of the last year focused on my business plan and building a life for myself independant of corporate slavery that I was ignoring other commitments and realities such as the fact that I may need a job.
As a foot note: I have managed to survive well enough that my bills (for the most part) are paid and current. Month to month I seem to survive as I keep my head securely in the clouds.
Anyway, in my inner relection I was holding off finding a j.o.b. while I pursuited various contract jobs and some of them were painfully aweful! Imagine I started doing work that was torchurous and lasted a short time than a long and drug out inner death. These short jobs (with the exception of MASH), were horrible but they managed to pay quite well. Thank God! Or goddess (right Gary?).
Regarding Adolfo I have had these wonderful fantasies in my head. Strangely enough these were many of the same fantasies I had with Brian. I have a different level of respect and love with Adolfo though. You were right when you wrote me and told me you thought Adolfo loved me even though you never met him. My fantasies involved us going on vacation together in October and having a wonderful time in spite of the fact he told me that he does not “want” to travel. Naturally, I expect as soon as he does travel that he will change his mind… right?
Well, you can see one delusion. But, to be honest, I would marry him tomorrow if I could. I want us to live together so as we can sleep together every night, wake up together to have coffee, kiss each other before going out for the day, etc…… It seemed to come all crashing down around me on Sunday. Here we were driving off to see XXX at the Sam’s Town Casino and I had a meltdown. I started ballin’ like crazy and I could not let him in on it. I told Adolfo it was not him, but it was true because it was all me. I had a mental construct of what we were and where we were going and now I became aware that it may have been all a misperception….
In the end… I saw Adolfo feeling broken because he thought I was breaking up with him last night. I am uncertain how to repsond to some situations because in my sorted, jaded life I suspect everyone of using emotion to manipulate. I have suspected in the past he used his tears to get his way or to break a bad situation between us? Not this time. Somehow he may have actually misunderstood that I was breaking up. He was in a ball on the floor of his apartment crying so hard I could not understand a word he was saying.
I know we need therapy. He told me he was screwed up and apologized for it. Well, news is we are both screwed up and that is reality. Both of us have the burn marks of many past failed encounters and relationships that left us as insecure and lonely people who want love, but do not know how to live it out. It means we have to learn the best ways to love and accept love. …I guess.
Life marches on. I am going to have dinner with him tomorrow. In our conversations Adolfo told me one of the conditions of us living together is that I have to start using fabric softener. I never use it because of a couple reasons… primarily it kills the absorbancy of towels, it’s an extra cost, and it’s flammable in some cases. I plan on bringin him a red rose in a bottle of Downey tomorrow. What do you think of that? Ha ha ha…