2014 September Check-in

Good morning world. I looked at my analytics and it seems like people are still coming to my site, but seem to be looking at the pages with naked pics on them first. Not me, but from the 2012 Naked Bike Ride I participated in back then. It was a lot of fun, but something about this site and what it was set up for has somehow drifted.
photo 1Seems I find it harder and harder to write here and post because I am so busy doing other projects and avoiding some important things I need to be doing. It’s all about avoiding what needs to happen for what I want to happen. I want to live life on my own terms, but the delusion is that my terms are so vague and unsolved that I remain behind this computer lost in my fantasy world.

  1. Burning Man : my theme camp Sun Guardians : for two months before Burning Man in August 2014 I worked on that camp almost full time. Then when I got back I was so lit for fixing the problems of this year and making next year better that I ran full force into re-writing a plan for 2015. [my BM blog]
  2. my Writing : I have been writing since I was a teenager and am pretty damn good…. if I must say so myself. My work is contemporary and filled with colorful characters. I wold love to be published but I have no idea where to start and damn am I ready.
  3. my web sites : 2 burning man sites : queerburners.com : I can spend all the time I have in a day working on those. Hell, look at this site. I redid the whole design for it and the Burning Man part of it in a day.

10620556_1472234099668085_4276812698845279216_nWhat am I avoiding?

  1. job hunting : I need to find something that I can do to earn a living. I have become a red splatter on the pavement of the employed and am only just realizing how wrong I have taken life. Train Wreck. Bad Acid Trip.
  2. place to live : yes, I am currently homeless again. I am crashing with the boyfriend/partner. While it is good to be with him on this level and we are still strong with each other I left my last place because: hated living there, place reeked with mold, and more. I just had to get out of there thinking it would propel me forward… seems I am still stuck in the sling-shot.

I am taking this time to set money aside and do some things in the meantime. I have a month left to start getting some tread and figure out where and who I am. I want out of San Francisco… god yes!!!! Looking at East Bay, Portland, Seattle and maybe maybe Reno.

Post Burning Man thoughts

It’s been a week since coming back from Burning Man and the head trip continues. All the baggage I started off with has shifted on meaning.
1011623_10151877957531197_734630056_nI stayed sober, relatively speaking, most of the week. Booze and other things were not a priority. I also went to the burn on a shoestring budget and mostly on the wings of others so that helped. Turned out to be a blessing to be too broke and so busy that my energies were better focused.
Gave me a lot more time to think about priorities and my life scenario. I did a lot of reflection while celebrating a lot of friends I have not seen in a while.
For C Monster and I there is a closeness that came from it. Our relationship feels stronger.
For everything else I heard a message that resonated: “Put out to the universe what you want back.” To me that means I have to find something inside myself that allows me to be more positive.
Although I am a diehard optimist, I can be surprisingly negative and mean. I have been judgy and disgusted by people. Omg people make me angry!
At Burning Man this year I buried all my reactions and did all I could to let stuff flow tight off my back and I seem to have been better for it.
After coming back I started the new job and boy has it been tough. Feels like a younger man’s game.
Time will tell. But if I can be a better me I will embrace that.

Back from Burning Man

I arrived back in San Francisco in the weeeee hours of Tuesday morning (about 3:00 am) and had to be off to work by 6:00 am. The drive home took 2x longer than getting there. And no, not because of Exodus, as an experienced Burner might suggest, because it took less than an hour to leave Burning Man on Monday afternoon.
I had a smashing time with Foxy and Sarah on the way back… my Jewish Jersey Girl and my Essex Brit Girl… I kept hearing the theme from Anywhere is Essex in my head when we were hanging out… but that means nothing really (bad Brit reality show).
I have been exhausted and feeling under the weather all week. But today I feel fairly strong. With the exception of being hit by a bus yesterday… yes for real.
I will talk more about my trip here and on www.QueerBurners.com as the days progress. I have so little time.

Here’s the deal… me going to Burning Man

So, I had pretty much given up the idea of getting to Burning Man this year but Freddy called me and got me all stoked. Why did it take so long?
The problem is that if I go and do it wrong it will be very bad for me financially. That is, I could end losing a job I want and love. I will need to be gone for about a week and a half from a restaurant that is just opening.
How do I do it???


My current budget does not give me much room for making this journey but there are ways to afix that and Freddy has suggested I fly down into Vegas and ride up with him and Mike. That could work nicely. AND, the fact I could lose my job over this is additionally troubling.

My Mom

My mom has threatened to kill me if I go… yes, she has the right to. She brought me into this world she can take me out.

My Art Project

Have to get to the playa somehow and before opening (Saturday at the latest) as I am also trying to get early entry passes. I need to see if there is someway to get the project transported there for me and get help setting it up… if and only if I can get placed in Center Camp. I am not prepared for a playa art project. Alternatively, I will place it at camp with directed lighting… or not at all.


Is there someone or someones out there that might be able to help on any level?

  • transporting the art piece
  • making a donation to help with my transportation …
  • then… will I have to look for a job?


Tuesday after

A night later and I am much closer to being healthy again. My formula for fighting any cold is a mass amount of Nyquil and Dayquil. I went to the market earlier today in a haze and performed several tasks where I felt I had to be very very careful.

Sober and Still Shaken

Not fully satisfied with discovering that I did not get the job I was vying for (once again) I am wondering what to do next. I wrote, in very frank terms, yesterday that I was quite upset by the whole thing.
Having broken through this cold and looking forward I am at a loss of what to do. I question about focusing on one career path of finding anything that will let me survive another day. It is inconceivable that I am still standing on the sidelines.
It’s time to take some of the static away. Well, that was actually about 6 months ago. There has been so much going on and at some point one just has to go full stop.
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