Why should I start with a title before writing something here? I do and then I want to change it when done. I started today’s title with: Drifting.
There are those rare moments when I feel like I am standing at the edge and close to giving up all faith. I feel like I am going no where and continuously sinking into the ground while finding nothing of a future for me. My career is a joke. I am almost 50 years old and still making $14./hour in a seriously SHIT job.
I tell people… as soon as I got a college education I started making a lot less money.
Somewhere along the way I fell down and got a bad road rash and I have been struggling and falling almost constantly for the better part of a decade.
Yes I have blessings in my life. I have what remains of my family: mom, step dad-bob, crazy step sister Christine and a few other steps  like a lot and love. Top of the pile is C Monster … he has stuck with me through hell and high water. I am lucky to have someone that loves me like that. I did little to deserve it.
On my way home form work tonight … yes 1am in the morning… I stared out of my dead eyes and I told myself I was seeing the end of the rope again. A handful of the right pills and a good solid nap I probably won’t have to deal with all that shit anymore. But… some fucked up click in the universe seems to have made an afterlife nearly as complicated as life we know.
Ending it all would hurt my mom and my C Monster and those are things I can’t leave behind. If I just gave up what would I have to live for? Often it is very much the case where I feel all I have to do is jump and get it over with.
Do you every ruminate? I have these thoughts of being really high up and falling a lot… damn if it does not freak me out. I get this vertigo feeling when up high on a ledge… freaky.

The road less traveled is I

I am a miserable human being on this planet these days mired down in what I think is everyone’s expectations of me. Not exactly making a great proclamation right now. I have almost never been that person… I tried not being anyway. I have walked to my own beat and I am one of

Everyone has told me I look very unhappy in this picture. Maybe I am just in denial?

Everyone has told me I look very unhappy in this picture. Maybe I am just in denial?

those people who has a whole theme song in my head when walking down the street.
Can’t say I was the kind of person to walk the path most taken, and with that I think I was happier. I have been really struggling here in San Francisco because since I have lived here I have tried to walk the line thinking it would take me somewhere. So far I cannot say this worked out all that well.

  • Mom: wants me steady and in a career and a happy life
  • C Monster: wants a normal relationship with monogamy

Where is this guy from about a year and a half previous? Lighter in weight and baggage?

Where is this guy from about a year and a half previous? Lighter in weight and baggage?

Can’t say coming here was a mistake. But somewhere I stopped living my life. The pluses and the minuses of that have not been obvious, but the signs were there!


For about a year I have been seeing all kinds of signs I was doing the wrong things. I was not living for me. I am absolutely adrift in a construct of reality outside of self. I do this in so many ways that the tracks are lost in overgrowth and trees way the fuck over there (imagine me pointing off into the black forest).
I want my parents (Sallie and Bob) be be able to be proud. I love them absolutely and want to be there for them even though I can’t.  They are elderly and struggling though they seem to get lucky once in a while.
I love C Monster and I am lucky to have someone who honestly and truly loves me back. But… there is still something missing. Not one of those huge things, but there is a switch inside me that is just not installed right.
Speaking of which, there is my biological father. I have virtually nothing inside me for him anymore. I had this fantasy that he and I would become father and son once again, but there are huge barriers:

  • his abuse for all those years growing up = 3 years of therapy +
  • his placement of my biological sister on a pedestal = more therapy

You know he spent much of my formative years telling me:

  • I was completely worthless and would never amount to anything = never tell a kid that
  • I was not worthy of his name = fuck you for that

So what do I do now?

It’s funny how the universe works sometimes and the messages that play in the brain… yes, as if someone somewhere something was sending a little reminder that this light could shine brighter once again:

  • quote: “Fortune favors the Bold
  • quote: “Mired down in pettiness instead of stepping your shit up.
    – Season 1 Ep. 7 “Orange is the new Black

A Song – This was stuck in my head two days ago at work

A Song – this was stuck in my head yesterday at work

…tinkering along…

scott2013Late into the night and getting ready for bed. How is it I am 48 years old, going on 49, and still trying to figure myself out. What sucks is, I can;t blame all my bullshit on a crap relationship with my father. Somewhere along the way I will find my groove.
Pee – Ess : Mom says she heard Tom in the house:

“Well, Tom Dawg has been gone a week now and has visited us twice in this time. The first time Bob heard him bark, Tom rarely barked before his surgery and never barked after his surgery. The second time I was trying to take a nap and the blinds to the patio doors kept rattling. No one else was in the room doors and windows were shut did not have heat or air going and Tom used to rattle the blinds all the time. Just wanted to share this, I have been thinking about these two incidents since they happened. I haven’t been able to put his beds or dishes away. We sure loved that Tom Dawg!”

no shortage of thought

Lately, I have had a lot of reasons to spend time thinking about the practical nature of my life rather than the spiritual and fluffy-fluffy shit. Reading my recent posts, someone might assume I am a complete nut-case.

My Spiritual Side

No matter what you think I have some core beliefs that are founded on personal experiences. I have, in this life, come across a lot of spiritual forces. I have faced and seen both: ultimate spiritual evil and 281213_4527665142509_920677221_nultimate spiritual good.
And I am not talking about any Jesusy bullshit religious crap. One can see the same things in human beings. But, in this case, I am talking about spiritual forces that may or may not have names.
As spiritual and touchy feely as a lot of people I know SAY they are I am discovering how many people really are talking out of their asses. Save your sage burning and incantations for the circus.
Why sounding so pissy on this issue? I am just tired of bullshit and people looking at me like I am nuts. I am also at the point where I realized my spiritual beliefs and other beliefs are not doing me any good at all.

My Default World Side

Well, the default world is the secular world. In the pure glimpse of the world around me I am disgusted with my life save one thing… C Monster. My bf and I are going on 2 years and he loves me in spite of me and I love him.


I lamented a while on how I failed my parents, dog-tom, and so many people I was close to in life. At what point does one start realizing that those failings are only as big as I make them out to be.
P1010006aToday may be Tom-Dog’s last day on earth and I lost him 2 years ago. Taking him to my mom’s to stay while I figured out of San Francisco is where I needed to be was the right thing to do. She lives in the country and is home a lot, and he is bonded to her and my step-dad.
All the medical expenses this year for Tom-Dog and my parents have been astounding, but I will start helping more as soon as I can.


I can tell you I see a handful of people as my friends. Why so many of them are so far away? Why is it easier to maintain friendships with people I see once or twice a year – if that? People right here are so far away, metaphorically speaking.
One thing C Monster and I talked about last night we seem to have in common is a sad thing: we have been tabbed in the back by a lot of people we brought into our lives as friends. Only people you love can hurt you so badly.
Same with relationships, as it were, considering we both have met or became familiar with ex’s.
Why is it so hard to have friends? I think there is something inside of myself that has grown that disavowed trust in others? Non-stop betrayal and a failure of meeting expectations is the answer; my expectations but I think mostly other people. We do not seem to accept people for their scabs and all, but like many people we lean on what we think people should be instead of honoring people for who they are.
I had a close friend though, which goes against the previously spoken theory, who I had to abandon in life because I did not like WHO he was and WHAT he did to others. Like others, I walked out on them because I believed in their life they were doing harm to others or me. Vampires are everywhere and if they are unhealthy then wtf; why are there so many of them????


Since this post started I received a call from my mom letting me know that Tom will survive the weekend and it appears he is doing better with stronger pain medication at the vet.
I also decided that all this guilt I feel about my family is not mine to carry. I can do my best to make things right with all of them but I have to make that happen when I can and hopefully soon.
In talking with C Monster I think we figured out this is a factor in our lives we have to  each grow from.  We have met some amazing people, but in some cases I am suspecting some sheep are really foxes. One person keeps smiling and offering friendship to us, but keeps bringing up sex with both of us; not good with that one.

Someone save me some space by that dumpster…

Seem unimaginable that I have been out of work almost a whole month now and have no prospects. Although I have had amazing interviews it has amounted to nothing. I am horrible at this stuff.
No rent money, no bill money, no money – period. I need to get something going and quickly because the money monster is chomping on my ass.
I need to get $3K into my + column and quickly which will get me into September. because no matter what I do unless I come up with a way to get some quick cash it will take a while for a paycheck to roll in.

  • 800.00 rent
  • 1oo.00 phone
  • 150.00 odd bills

and that is just for immediate needs…

SGRF : Trip Report : Part 2

Less than a week ago I came home from the Wolf Creek Sanctuary (WCS) where the Spiritual Gathering for Radical Faeries (SGRF) was being held. I have known of Wolf Creek for years and dreamed of going there to be part of this liberating  witchy and sexual place in the woods. Is the fantasy bigger than the reality?
A friend of mine came by this morning for coffee and asked me about my take away from my experience at the SGRF and it gave me time to formulate my thoughts. As we looked at pictures from the Wolf Creek page on Facebook I took a quick inventory of that fantasy versus reality.
First off I do not think attendance was ever much more than 35 people at any given time and I asked about that, when I was told that there were usually more than a hundred men on the property participating usually. Reasons for people not coming this year:

  • a call for a sober space at the gathering
  • the rainbow gathering happening the same weekend.

Coming back it took me several days to fully decompress. It felt like the world was so huge and I was in this tiny bubble moving through the city. I was in the woods a week with almost no technology and only some human contact.

Expectations v. Reality

I went with no expectations or intentions because after upsetting my world by quitting my job I just needed a kick-start or reboot. I did know there was going to be witchy stuff and I did know there was going to be a strong sexual presence out there but how it all flowed together I had no idea.
I was first introduced to Wolf Creek through a porno… yet I expected nothing like that at all.
My first day I had some amazing spiritual encounters and I explored the land by walking it and feeling the expansiveness of the space. It was a breathtaking and beautiful venue that stretched up the hills of Oregon. The land itself is rich in energy and spirit that is older than the Faeries currently residing there.
Sexually I waded in and found myself conflicted with the people there because I found myself very attracted to two in particular. That is never good, perse’, because it is just a bad head space to get into.
Anyhoo, I started seeing a lot of pockets of sexual activity and even participated here and there.
There were a smattering of workshops on the schedule hastily thrown together by one of the people working hard at the gathering that were all jacked up on the schedule. Heart circles occurred daily that were really very therapeutic although some made it their personal cathartic stage of self martyrdom or a soap box for their position on sobriety (more on this later). Get a group of people from different walks of life or levels of sobriety and try and have anything different happen… right.
The lack of workshops and overt sexual nature of the limited number of people present made the meaning of the gathering feel a little lost in the fog. Even the workshops that were offered were sexual in nature. It was the outlook of some people that saved me and my outlook in all of it.

Side Story

I arrived on the land Thursday morning about 3:30 am when was the exact time my phone battery completely died. Not a great mystery, I had my phone on all day without charging it. BUT!!!! The thing was I had my phone in my hands when I got out of the car (so I thought) and never saw it again. It was clear I left it in the car… right?
Well, long story short … lost phone … shady experience* with driver made me concerned … misdirected blame … phone mysteriously appears when packing to leave land.
(*I made an agreement with someone to be driven to WCS that was only paying for gas for trip [by Mark my friend because I had no money] and on the way we were baked in the car, then frozen because the windows would not close. That was not the shady part. 2 reasons I do not want to go into here because they are unfounded but perceived, third because she was asking for more money when we got there)
I moved my tent twice in the time I was there. I rolled my my sleeping back and the phone slid across my tent right to my feet. Just as I was getting ready to leave.

Call for Failure

Sobriety also became an issue for many and it caused some buzz around me. For those who know I have supreme social anxiety, but at the same time I am someone that thrives to be on a stage and I love talking to crowds… freak huh? Apparently the announcement for SGRF called for a sober space that was a reason (or one of the reasons) many people elected not to attend.
As it appeared, some of the core people responsible for producing the event were people who were in treatment for sobriety. At least that was what I was told by one of them. The call for sobriety was a fail because it imposed the needs of a few on the many.
I knew going in that Faery gatherings were typically sober spaces and that there was a set time for drinking; yet illegal drugs were not acceptable. Libations were given a window when they were acceptable and we shared them with the ancestors and spirits. There was no such time setup for this at this gathering that I was aware of.
Failure came when it was assumed that a few struggling with addiction imposed it on others. Failure to draw in important attendees that could have expanded the success of the gathering on every level.

What More…?

A divide has surfaced that has weakened Nomenus (the official name of the church who administers WCS), that has caused a number of Faeries to split off into a new organization called Calamus (name taken from Walt Whitman poetry).
I was surprised how man people I talked to did not know of the split because it was certainly felt at WCS’ recent Beltane event according to another producer I spoke to. It is a shame to see this divide but given the divisive politics that have been rumbling through social networks and the rumblings of members and officers in the community it feels like there are a lot of heels in the sand politics.
This is not my battle nor is it my politics. It is a shame as someone merging into this community and become acquainted with so much conflict. The other side of the coin is that there is a lot of really good here and it gets muddled in personal agendas instead of what makes the unit stronger.
NOTHING against Calamus or Nomenus… maybe this is just the natural progression of what it is.

In the end…

The week was uplifting and I found myself loving, liking and even disliking people I was with. In the closing circle someone started something that should have been quite nice:

Roughly recalled: “You are special and I love you”

…or something like that. I could not do that. Granted, the person that started this in the circle was beautiful and amazing and I felt genuine love, but I could not say that to a few of the people there and I pulled back hard. We were tasked to look each person in the eyes and say that, finishing with a hug, and that was not who I could be in that moment.
I was pissed when people demanding sobriety were the same people smoking themselves into a stupor because their drug (pot v. alcohol or anything else for that matter) was okay. I drank almost nightly when I was there and took my anxiety medication on top of it. I was okay with it even if others were not.
I left the land feeling blessed and I left with some good advice from someone unexpected; about how to matriculate back into the default world.  I was faced with hostile, miserable people all the way home once I was back on the BART heading into the city. I kept my head low and my thoughts focused on the bubble of my universe and stayed out of everyone else’s orbits.
I came home happy that I did what I did and feeling thoughtful and blessed. Part of me felt like I had a mission on my return as well. I am rethinking all that now… wondering if WCS was where I needed to be again. Should I go back to Samhain? (rhetorical question answerable only by me). But, I think I would rather not be a part of other people’s politics.

I am a horrible human

So, I have been made aware what a shitty human I seem to be. It’s been been pointed out by other people inside and outside of my head. Outside my head I have began realizing there are a lit of people I love dearly whom I have taken for granted. It seems to evolve around money more than anything else where I falter.

Me and Mom

Me and Mom

I do appreciate love and warmth from people and I think I show that well. Loyalty and honesty are huge for me.
Inside my head my conscience is a real screamer. I have let down a lot of people and somewhere I failed myself and my soul.
I let down all of my parents and some of my ex’s. My unreal idealism and expectations have sunk me right into a hole
Yeah… I am pretty down on myself and for good reasons. Too. Tomorrow… As you can see on the twitter feed .. My dog Tom is going in for surgery to have both eyes removed. He is blind with diseased eyes and is in a lot of pain. He is with my mom in the country which is a blessing on one hand, because I could never care for him. On the other hand unless I can shit money she is getting stuck with the bill.
Tom the Dog
I owe my mom so much… A lifetime of things and a lot of money along the way.
I love that dog more than almost anything or anyone. I failed them all. I let them down and myself, so you see how it all makes sense. Sigh…

12 Hours of Shame

There is a guy in Vegas that I know whom I will call Papaburner who once told me, via Facebook, that drama follows me. While I had to get over the initial appalled reaction… it seems to be unfortunately true. I know it’s true. I have this uncanny ability to bring an energy with me that is going to cause a shift in the universe.
Think I am imagining things? Nope. No. Uh-uh. Without a doubt, every person I come to know or become close to, every company, organization … if I become intimately involved with it some great (not great as in good necessarily) change will happen to shake the foundations of it.


  1. A person or thing that announces or signals the approach of another.
  2. A forerunner of something.
herald – forerunner – precursor – messenger – portent

So I borrowed a Google Search definition of a word that I have associated with myself. Harbinger of Change like some kind of figure from an episode of Supernatural.
Stories in the last 12 Hours
So, I ended up going to bed alone last night because Chantha went to a party his roommates were throwing. Chantha has a problem when it comes to alcohol and he simply does not know when to stop or how to stop. He promised me he would go 3 months without drinking just to prove he could and he has been drunk at least 3 times since.
Well, he ended up staying home last night and called me all fucked up about 1 a.m. at least to tell me he was okay.
I do love this guy and we each have our problems and have been very supportive of each other. It’s been 4 months plus now and I want to keep him. The drinking thing is something I think we need help with.
But that’s not all!!!!! Last night I woke up to piss about 5:30 or so and I hear my 20-something male roommate and 20-something wife of another roommate in the kitchen. male looks around corner nervously. While in toilet hear them go onto back porch sounding like there was some definite flirtations going on.
Just NOT my pace to interfere… right? Not my place to get people to have some sense not to fuck each other …but shit happens.
So by 6:30 20-something girl/wife is crawling into my MY bed telling me she screwed up. She’s all fucked up on some mix of tranquilizers and wine and I figured out much of everything when I head the front door slam as husband left abruptly.

Now, this is not the first time she came crawling into my bed drunk or fucked up or whatever. One night Chantha and I were sleeping and all of a sudden there she was crawling in on top of us.

Chantha is all like… I was naked under the covers …like it was a big deal.

Well, hubby is still out of the house and 20-something male roommate is in his room sleeping. There is a lot to the back-story that does not need to be aired ever, but none the less, in the land of the inappropriate I think we found the epicenter for the morning.
We had a family dinner planned for tonight where all of us and significant others were going to have dinner together, but me thinks that is in the toilet now. So much for that…
…so I have been thinking about my next step. Maybe this is part of that message that it is either time to leave or something???? Still not figuring out what the universe is trying to tell me. BUT, me thinks San Francisco is just too hard.

Diarrhea of the Mouth

It does not help to put a title in this blog before I start typing because invariably I go in a whole other direction. I am writing right now because I am thinking that the blogs have been a good outlet that I have neglected.
Every day goes by way too fast and I start working on something, look up and then realize most of the day has gone by. Too many projects. Too many balls in the air… no money coming in. I am so over it.
I want to work and I want to do great and wonderful things but I am stuck in a bottle with a cork in the top. I do not know how to break free … well, I think I know but can’t launch.
As some of you know I have severe anxiety and sometimes leaving the house is a challenge. Sometimes finally getting out of the house is a relief. I do manage to find open jobs and get applications out there but it’s like fishing in the Dead Sea.
My choices suck. I could fuck up anything. I wish I could just drop off the planet… I wish I could just fins something left in this life worth living for. I do find the occasional rainbow, but it’s hard when you keep falling into holes.
No, just venting. Got to be more honest on this blog and let go. No one really reads this and if they did no one really says anything about it. Better that way, but can’t say I would not mind knowing. And don;t fucking patronize me or hand me any fucking bullshit… so tired of people spoon feeding me fucking bullshit.