Against the wall again

One of the older faeries here in the city sent me a text message asking I we could meet and talk. He mentioned my current hard times and was offering to be a sounding board on some levels. So I am waiting outside Cafe Flore for him. He text me saying he would be a little late.
I spend a lot of time analyzing. I spent a lot of time trying to find reason. Some times I make conclusions and then discover how far far far I am from reality.
I am a misfit. I’ve become some desperate wreck trying to balance between what is right….what I should do versus what my gut says…versus Common sense’.
People are great with advice and what they insist is right but are not around to see the impact of the crash.
I have aligned myself with two cultures or ideals that proselytizes radical self expression and radical self reliance and the two seem to hardly fit together unless there is a trust fund in the back pocket.
It’s nice how my boyfriend is working hard on being supportive even as he goes through his own stuff right now.
My mom and step dad are struggling so much too. I imagine going to my ex, Adolfo, asking for help but that is just one more potential disaster.
Its hard to breathe. Anger rules me inside. Fear. Anxiety. How does one stay open in all of that?
Ordering one well overdue miracle please.