In a dark place….

When I started writing this blog as many years ago… it was a time when I was much happier. I am like a swimmer in the ocean caught in the rip tides these days often pulled helpless under the curling waters unable to catch a breath. I am in the wall of an ant trap unable to escape what lay below or the freedom which seemingly exists above.
I grew up so certain of some things and at my current age I have not seen any of those things come true. Everything I thought was written in my minds has so far been a delusion; neither positive or negative these ideas have been the exact opposite of what I dreamed.
In these times I am floundering in those tides of a rough sea in a place both mentally and physically that are killing me like a psychological cancer; my sanity in question and the random disappointments like those killer tides.

  • I was supposed to be dead by the time I was 32: failed that one as I am staring 51 in the face.
  • I was supposed to be wealthy and having traveled the world before that death… well I guess I got that half right. Being perpetually poor and unable to hold on to a buck. Being constantly in debt and unable to escape taxes, credit cards, student loans debt debt debt really plays on a person’s soul and mind.

No that I am the healthiest of minds to begin with. Not that the way I was raised was any solace to feeling like a healthy human being. I feel like I am dying on the inside and I have no one to find a handle with.
This has nothing to do with my boyfriend, because I love him more than anything right now. I would not want to lose him, but I might need to break away for enough time that I can feel like I have a grip on myself and my responsibilities.

my resignation @ Alexanders Steakhouse

Below is an email I began writing to Gail this morning with the anticipation we could make a new path toward moving into the future that I did not send, but after our conversation at the Brannan Street location today it was clear that it was time to move on. I resigned with Sean and Rahmen today and will bring my uniforms in on Monday. I hope to receive my final check and leave on as positive note as possible.
There was no communication between Gail and I in the 8 or so months that I was there and I have to assert that my desire to succeed was unseen by Gail and for whatever folly with that there was no reason to continue on. She told me she did not see my passion and even when I tried giving her examples they went over as well as most of our conversations.
While I feel misunderstood and misrepresented I made an honest effort and was willing to go stronger. But, without communication and feedback even when asked for it there was no where to go. I learned a lot while with Alexander’s and wish the future would have been brighter.
After last night I took some time to do some thinking and am writing this having considered a lot of things.
You were right about what was going on. Those souffles just cannot sit and they faded as they aged. Your name is on that menu – bottom line – and I respect that 1000%.
That being said – I want to tell you that I very nearly walked in and turned in my uniforms last week because I have been working very hard to show you my commitment level and you have given no indication that it has been visible. I had hoped that after all these months that the work and commitment I have tried to bring would resonate on any level.

  • I come in early every day and get to work without a huge amount of chatter
  • I bring my own tools and make sure I am ready to work
  • I have been there and not only producing but creating and trying to contribute
  • I tackle as much production as I can especially when it might be needed during immediate service

No other employee can say the same thing. I have been there to perform every day with the exception of days you have given me off on time or early.
I’m not a bozo and I am not scumbag and I am not retarded. We all actually joke about your go-to word calling us ‘retards’ or ‘retarded’.

  • I am a U.S. Veteran who served 6 years
  • I am a community leader and activist
  • I am a soldier in my heart still and willing to take on tasks
  • I am a patriot and I am a person who is very loyal

You say no one tells you things. These things are important. But I can fully understand that you and I are boss and employee. In spite of me feeling like you talked to me like I was – basically an idiot. I worked hard to show you I was committed and want top quality coming from our team. I do… but I am just gobsmacked about my ability to continue and being treated like a I less than human.
I get along with everyone … EVERYONE and I care about my work. I am thick skinned enough not to have complained. I have sought advice. This is a tricky business when it comes to human relations. Somehow I hoped that the superior standard Alexanders gives to their guests might apply to relations with staff as well.
Given that, it seems that is applies to some staff and not all. You do not talk to me the way you engage other people in the department. I struggled to figure out what it was and it seems like this is an issue with my age. I am twice as old as any other member on the team and if your expectations are different for me because of that then mine are of you as well because I give you every level of respect no matter what. I do try and stand up for myself but when you are right – like last night – you are right.
Why do I suspect agism? I have eliminated everything I can think of. I am there daily giving 150% and am open to any procedural changes you want me to take – because I am also here to learn a new method, procedure, idea, concept… I have absorbed so much on a level above where I came from. Yet, the negativity is just starting to feel overwhelming.
Certainly it may carry in my persona at this point because as you get ready to leave for the Los Angeles store you want to leave a legacy behind that helps you move forward to a whole new creative adventure. I want the same thing for myself… not L.A. though… I am saying I am here to better myself through this role for my own future endeavors whatever that might be.


Why should I start with a title before writing something here? I do and then I want to change it when done. I started today’s title with: Drifting.
There are those rare moments when I feel like I am standing at the edge and close to giving up all faith. I feel like I am going no where and continuously sinking into the ground while finding nothing of a future for me. My career is a joke. I am almost 50 years old and still making $14./hour in a seriously SHIT job.
I tell people… as soon as I got a college education I started making a lot less money.
Somewhere along the way I fell down and got a bad road rash and I have been struggling and falling almost constantly for the better part of a decade.
Yes I have blessings in my life. I have what remains of my family: mom, step dad-bob, crazy step sister Christine and a few other steps  like a lot and love. Top of the pile is C Monster … he has stuck with me through hell and high water. I am lucky to have someone that loves me like that. I did little to deserve it.
On my way home form work tonight … yes 1am in the morning… I stared out of my dead eyes and I told myself I was seeing the end of the rope again. A handful of the right pills and a good solid nap I probably won’t have to deal with all that shit anymore. But… some fucked up click in the universe seems to have made an afterlife nearly as complicated as life we know.
Ending it all would hurt my mom and my C Monster and those are things I can’t leave behind. If I just gave up what would I have to live for? Often it is very much the case where I feel all I have to do is jump and get it over with.
Do you every ruminate? I have these thoughts of being really high up and falling a lot… damn if it does not freak me out. I get this vertigo feeling when up high on a ledge… freaky.

The road less traveled is I

I am a miserable human being on this planet these days mired down in what I think is everyone’s expectations of me. Not exactly making a great proclamation right now. I have almost never been that person… I tried not being anyway. I have walked to my own beat and I am one of

Everyone has told me I look very unhappy in this picture. Maybe I am just in denial?

Everyone has told me I look very unhappy in this picture. Maybe I am just in denial?

those people who has a whole theme song in my head when walking down the street.
Can’t say I was the kind of person to walk the path most taken, and with that I think I was happier. I have been really struggling here in San Francisco because since I have lived here I have tried to walk the line thinking it would take me somewhere. So far I cannot say this worked out all that well.

  • Mom: wants me steady and in a career and a happy life
  • C Monster: wants a normal relationship with monogamy

Where is this guy from about a year and a half previous? Lighter in weight and baggage?

Where is this guy from about a year and a half previous? Lighter in weight and baggage?

Can’t say coming here was a mistake. But somewhere I stopped living my life. The pluses and the minuses of that have not been obvious, but the signs were there!


For about a year I have been seeing all kinds of signs I was doing the wrong things. I was not living for me. I am absolutely adrift in a construct of reality outside of self. I do this in so many ways that the tracks are lost in overgrowth and trees way the fuck over there (imagine me pointing off into the black forest).
I want my parents (Sallie and Bob) be be able to be proud. I love them absolutely and want to be there for them even though I can’t.  They are elderly and struggling though they seem to get lucky once in a while.
I love C Monster and I am lucky to have someone who honestly and truly loves me back. But… there is still something missing. Not one of those huge things, but there is a switch inside me that is just not installed right.
Speaking of which, there is my biological father. I have virtually nothing inside me for him anymore. I had this fantasy that he and I would become father and son once again, but there are huge barriers:

  • his abuse for all those years growing up = 3 years of therapy +
  • his placement of my biological sister on a pedestal = more therapy

You know he spent much of my formative years telling me:

  • I was completely worthless and would never amount to anything = never tell a kid that
  • I was not worthy of his name = fuck you for that

So what do I do now?

It’s funny how the universe works sometimes and the messages that play in the brain… yes, as if someone somewhere something was sending a little reminder that this light could shine brighter once again:

  • quote: “Fortune favors the Bold
  • quote: “Mired down in pettiness instead of stepping your shit up.
    – Season 1 Ep. 7 “Orange is the new Black

A Song – This was stuck in my head two days ago at work

A Song – this was stuck in my head yesterday at work

Just a few little thoughts added

After my previous post, maybe right now a Quija Board is not in my immediate future. After reading through, even for me, I cannot justify trying that right now.
Just reading through some of the things I posted and read on the sites linked I figured I am not in a place to use it.
Sigh… I am off to work soon anyway. I am at a job I am starting to hate, too. Not sure if it is my own attitude or just that I am not feeling it. I am told I bitch too much and my own outlook (attitude) is a factor and I am trying to reflect to see if that is the case.
Love & Light, yo

Goals and plans 2013 to 2014

Having trouble focusing on what I need for me. I came back from Burning Man with some new goals and have not written any of them down. Everything is a distraction and little allows for focus except for C Monster… well, I have to focus on him when he is around because our time together is becoming more precious.
a3My work schedule is opposite his and we have to see each other less. I cannot cook for him like I would like and that is a solid bummer. I love making us dinner at home.
Anyway, goals for the year are important and making them happen is also vital. I have not always been successful.  Understand that over the many years I have figured out that September is a new beginning; it just always seems to work out that way. The rest of the year just seems to get harder and harder, but with a new outlook hopefully that will change:
Immediate Needs:

  • start paying people back I owe money to; bills and rent and more… people who helped finance my Burn this year and my parents who have been taking care of my dog who has been really ill
  • clean out my clutter and create more order

Oh I hate chaos and though it has it’s uses this time in my life is not it. My bills are horribly out of control and I need to regain some balance and I am really at the stage where I almost have no where to turn but bankruptcy. My student loans and some small tax issues are my biggest demons right now.
Short Term Goals include:

  • September – December: Caught up on Bills /  Debts
    –  I want to get some welding classes started
    – I need a routine that includes health and fitness
  • December – January: Prep for 2014 which includes a new living situation, moving in with C Monster, preparing for Burning Man
    – Burning Man tickets go on sale January but we are applying for low income
    – Start planning for a future with C Monster
  • February – May: Stabilize life
    – this is where life will throw me a curve ball and I will have to learn to roll with it as usual.
  • June – August: Prep for Burning Man
    – I have decided I want to live in a more affordable place and
    – Buy a car
  • August: Burning Man
  • September – a new year begins

Longer Term Goals

  • 1 year: figure out if C Monster and I are ready for the big leap:
    – after financial rebuilding: move in and / possibly get married
    – buy a car
    – C Monster should be in school starting this year
  • 2 year: open my own restaurant (see below*)

Career is a big goal for me right now and despite me abandoning Dixie SF in June; I am working on a calculated plan to move ahead in my career. I am watching the ladder very carefully and trying to figure out what life is stirring me toward.
The message of the universe is not always clear, but I will tell you it was screaming at me to leave Dixie. I felt rewarded that I got a job right before Burning Man which I started right after; coincidence? I do not think so. The universe has a plan for me and I am trying like hell to make it work in a positive light for me. *I have a project I started in 2013 by registering a corporation called “Amazing Toaster, LLC” that has gone no where. But that is for another day.

New Path Ahead

Good Morning Monday… today I am unemployed and have no income coming in at all. I spent much of the weekend (when sober) contemplating how today was to begin. What are my goals? And how do I move forward within the scope of making all things, plans and dreams work. It can be done and I will manifest this destiny.
Leaving Dixie was leaving an abusive relationship. Yes, I got along extremely well with everyone there and really cared about my work and job but 1 single person was the fly in the soup and he happen to be the guy who ran the show; just a pitiful soul.
Alas I move forward and will further work to clear my spirit with a short spiritual retreat this week. I have been BLESSED with an opportunity to drop off the map for a couple days and go to Wolf Creek Sanctuary for the Spiritual Retreat and Men’s Gathering of which I have really dreams about going for years. I will be gone Weds through Sunday.
Meanwhile I will begin building a new base for myself and ground on which to walk. My path is built on a core of a positive outlook and assurance that I am good at what I do. Although some people in my life have a hard time understanding me and who I am inside others are quick to feel my confidence and help through supportive words and hugs that are unimaginably lifting.
Thank you Mark for your supportive words yesterday and thanks to many others too. When I left Dixie a lot of people congratulated me knowing well that I was miserable there working for a miserable human being. While some people would not see that as an excuse to leave they were not walking in my shoes. By leaving I upset a lot of my plans for this year; paying back debts as well as some of the things I value in my life experience. Certainly it could have damaged relationships with core people in my life (and may have), but faith is still something important to me. If you do not have faith in my then please step out of the way. I can accomplish anything I set my mind to.
Love & Light!

Here’s the deal… me going to Burning Man

So, I had pretty much given up the idea of getting to Burning Man this year but Freddy called me and got me all stoked. Why did it take so long?
The problem is that if I go and do it wrong it will be very bad for me financially. That is, I could end losing a job I want and love. I will need to be gone for about a week and a half from a restaurant that is just opening.
How do I do it???


My current budget does not give me much room for making this journey but there are ways to afix that and Freddy has suggested I fly down into Vegas and ride up with him and Mike. That could work nicely. AND, the fact I could lose my job over this is additionally troubling.

My Mom

My mom has threatened to kill me if I go… yes, she has the right to. She brought me into this world she can take me out.

My Art Project

Have to get to the playa somehow and before opening (Saturday at the latest) as I am also trying to get early entry passes. I need to see if there is someway to get the project transported there for me and get help setting it up… if and only if I can get placed in Center Camp. I am not prepared for a playa art project. Alternatively, I will place it at camp with directed lighting… or not at all.


Is there someone or someones out there that might be able to help on any level?

  • transporting the art piece
  • making a donation to help with my transportation …
  • then… will I have to look for a job?


Snap Shot

I have not posted a video blog in a long while. The only reason is that I end up spending an ungodly amount of time rendering it then uploading it… (heavy sigh here).
The last couple of postings were a little weird… granted. I do have the satisfaction knowing that no one is really reading it anyway. If anyone other than my mother was I would be surprised since the monitoring software is not telling me much.
C and I have been in this crazy romance for a while. That weekend 2 weeks ago was a dark time and I went to the V.A. for help with it but I was turned away. It was insulting, but I know the V.A. as a whole is better than that.
I digress… this guy has been the light of my life in the past months and as we hit 5 months into this time we have been seeing each other it feels like we have been together much longer. He has not used the “L” word and while I have a few times I see in his eyes and his action that he really loves me too.
C has a funny set of standards he lives by and they are skewed by some strange mix of idealism and seeing himself more through others eyes than his own. I think it is his age/maturity but he is a good man. Together we are better people.


I have been riding this roller coaster for a few years… probably more than I realize. Thing is a couple weeks ago I feel I got off the roller coaster and landed in the bumper cars and am bored of those already.
No, it’s not C and not the job. My focus has been on the job and doing the best I could there. I have found vipers in the house of the gods and find this trusting nature in danger. I have found self doubt and fear, but I have found success and joy.
These add up to the normal things that come with a new job, doing new things, but working hard to live up to a lofty standard I know I can still reach. I have added a new thing to the menu everyday and 98% of them I can be very proud of. Minor issues have arisen but I have survived them and will continue.
I have some coworkers that I can see already expect me to fail, but I have managed to beat them every day.


Stability has never been my friend. But why is it all I want to wrap myself in this job and C and enjoy a quiet life for a while. On the other hand I still have cravings for going out and enjoying the party.
As much as I want to do all that with C he is starting to feel he is out growing it as well.
I do have a ticket for Burning Man again this year and would like to make this my last year at the big event before resigning myself to the Regionals going forward. This is/will be my trade off. Or… my new start.

Job v Burning Man

Starting the new job on Friday and I hope I will be able to put some time in. I am so anxious to start working and working hard. Between the Stages I have been doing, relishing, rejoicing in the hunger is growing.
(Staging is when you go in and work at a restaurant without pay as sort of a test run)
BUT… Burning Man provided me with a low income ticket for the event this year and I am floored because I was on the verge of believing there was no way I was going. Now I have this ticket and I got to see if it is something that CAN happen in spite of the shit some people are willing to give me over it.
Mom chewed me one this week on Mother’s Day when she found out I had a ticket. She just does not get it and I imagine she is saying the same thing to me. She does not get what Burning Man is to me. I am not going to put this job in jeopardy for it, but if I CAN go I am going to.
I want bf C to come with me. I told him it has been my dream to share this event with someone I loved. I would be in heaven to bring him there with me. I think he will love being out there and I think it will change him in some ways. For the better….