New Neuro Pathways

Been spending some time thinking a lot about what makes me – me – in the now. My bf and I were traveling this last weekend and one of the things we like to do is listen to pod casts and a lot of them have to do with understanding money. If I could share some of the RICH DAD – poor dad series on here I would… one of them was particularly eye opening.
But, we did have two TED Talk pod casts we discovered and I saved two section here on my site:

If you took the time to listen to one or both I would love to know what you think. If you saw who the speakers were and dismissed the whole thing because you think you know it all already then you have your answer as well.

There is some good words in these.

Full Moon Tonight: New Start?

rp_1538951_10152205688016197_559003127_n-310x150.jpgI made no secret about the self improvement things I have been working on since the beginning of the year. Books, practices and more. I am not faced with putting that into action and actually making something out of my life. It is mother-fucking hard to figure out what is right.
Seems like I feel a lot of resistance in any direction I go in, but I am not unawares that success does come with a price. Nothing, they say, is easy. But a lot of it may have something to so with the way the brain works – connecting to the soul – connecting to the chain that links us all as beings on this planet.

I watched this video twice this week (well the whole movie) on Netflix and have some to a lot of realizations in my thinking that seem to be working against me. If you have seen some of my gripes, many of them are addressed right here in the presentation.

  • my uber-dysfunctional relationship with my father and how I see him as really fucking me up as a human being in my life and the mess I have been seeing myself as…
  • “if it weren’t for bad luck you would not have any luck at all” my mom said to me; not in a mean way but damn if it did not seem like it was true.

So what do I do with that and look forward? How do I resolved to live out whatever is left of my life in a way that is better and stronger and healthier? What is the catalyst to make that happen? part of it is to get over the fucked up shit Jack dealt me growing up and keep driving toward real goals.

  • find out WHAT I am sincerely grateful for
  • decide WHAT I want
  • focus on making those things part of my daily routine; outlook, vision
  • …and then?

I have to change a lot of things and many of them appear on the front of this web site. I have to let go and grab on to new things.

my last note to Alexanders

I want to thank Erin and Sean for your incredible empathy during this crazy time. When I came by the restaurant yesterday I was able to remember how much I really appreciate this group of people I worked with.
I also told Sean a story that for me is the premise of my departure. I was upset and a little demoralized over the name calling stuff, but the impact was the real lack of healthy communication between Gail and I.
I tried on several occasions to build a communicative bridge with Gail and requested conversations that never resulted in anything positive.

  • I had a review at 30 days that rated me at “average” but the feedback I got was widely negative. I was gobsmacked and the conversation was one direction; even sections reserved for me to fill out on the form were filled out by Gail.
  • I tried again before the 90 day period was up. I got an email from Gail where she told me “It’s my job to help you succeed” but that never happened. It was before her vacation and I am certain the motivation was just to keep things steady in the department.
  • At the beginning of January I heard her say, a couple times over, “I have to work with that I got” and it seemed to be directed at us as a team; as if she was stuck with us.
  • I talked to her about increasing my pay once and she said I had to wait for 1 year before that happen. In the scope of that conversation there was no discussion about her concerns that I recall.

In fairness Gail did voice complaints about some of my processes and I tried to address them and make corrections. Unfortunately there was as if always something wrong but I worked really hard to demonstrate my passion and commitment and it never made an impact which led to this point right now. There was never a positive comment.
I was dismissed by Gail early on, but I was a warm body. The only thing I could think of as the foundation of our problems was my age over her 20 something other employees and a complete lack of interest by Gail to build a positive working relationship.
I love the ideas she had with food. She was incredibly creative in her menu presentations. I learned a lot in spite of the circumstances and am appreciative of all my other coworkers.


So tonight I went to Saturnalia: Unbound Celebration! and as per usual the Faeboy Clan and the Comfort & Joy people created something so huge and so full of energy I left feeling that the scope of which was … stunning. So what the fuck was it about????

From Wikipedia with all their links: “Saturnalia was an ancient Roman festival in honour of the deity Saturn held on December 17 of the Julian calendar and later expanded with festivities through December 23. The holiday was celebrated with a sacrifice at the Temple of Saturn in the Roman Forum and a public banquet, followed by private gift-giving, continual partying, and a carnival atmosphere that overturned Roman social norms: gambling was permitted, and masters provided table service for their slaves.[1] The poet Catullus called it “the best of days.”[2]

I went anticipating a evening of seeing people I cared about but I brought gifts of various kinds and gave of them openly who were open for it; or could accept them over duties needing to be performed.
I did shed any expectation of sexual gratification while that part seemed to be a part of the ancient rite while I went seeking connections. Now the connections I made were strong and with the help of some friendly fungus my metaphysical energies were really working at their highest levels.
I was literally shaking the first couple hours walking around or sitting with small groups not knowing what was going to happen or where the journey would let me off. I was in a roller coaster for the night and  as I type this I am not entirely sure I am off of it.
Astrologically I am a a Capricorn male with a Chinesesign of Wood Dragon; my moon sign is apparently in Gemini and yes I believe in all that stuff.
I sat in the giant hot tub and realized the thing was a conduit; the water was anyway. I found out of 6 people 2, 3 or 4 were sparking in the dusk in my vision and there was nothing I could do to stop it. While I acknowledged some of the more powerful energies present I was stunned how many of them were what I identified as females.
One had a heart light that was blinding and though she was a beautiful, naked african american woman in the jacuzzi I could barely see her features for that heart light that grew so bright; Sarah.
Another was named Loki and when I reached out to talk to her she told me she did not self identify as female and I apologized for my assumption, but a female emanation could have come from the physical perception more than the sould revealed. However, I sensed there was something about her meeting Scratch that seemed more important.
See, Scratch pulled me out of a whole earlier that night with a powerful purpose of his own; he camptured all my energy that was shooting out all over and grounded me like a live wire. I would have had to leave much earlier of not.
Thank you Scratch!!
SO i folded myself back into the seen with a mixture of people connected to the event on a spiritual level, base sexual level and others who were completely clueless beyond the buffet. As is always in a radical inclusion style event, different people add to the salad.
I did try the jacuzzi again and found myself a victim in the water. Water is a powerful conduit and the shock of being so completely open drained me quickly. I dared not seek out Scratch again for his mastery for fear of abusing that  gift. So I decided to leave with so much to be grateful for.
Sucks balls that I fell down the marble steps from the front of the house into the sidewalk on my way. Still very sore. But, I did have a LOT of the fungus in my head as well as the vodka… yeah, can work work together. I ventured alone in a direction I thought was home and eventually made it there.
Along the way there were so many souls and by then I was like a spent battery. I described my time to Bruce as being “obliterated” like at some point I was a mass of ions floating through the air drained of matter from the event. It was not until a solid meditation when I got home that I realized how supercharged I really was.
What does this mean for me? Where with my relationships go from here?
I opened myself up to a lot of people who at least acted like they understood the magic around us and ‘should’ appreciate the magnitude of what a great event does when it speaks to the right people.
About a year ago Wingheart talked about Queer Magic in gay men and I pointedly said not everyone had magic. While I still stand by that which he rejected truth is some my not have found their light yet? There were people there with light both bright and sometimes unfulfilled. Some were dark as shadows on a desert playa like ghosts. But I will say tonight I was blessed by many.
I did … miss my bf a lot and felt his absence deeply while knowing he would never have understood that night.